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louiseluxTitle: The Curse
Fandom: Saiyuki
Pairing: Hakkai/Gojyo
Warnings: explict het and m/m, genderswap
Notes and summary can be found here. Any feedback and comments are very much appreciated.
part one part two
"She's telling the truth," Jiang said. "I know when she's lying. It's one of the benefits of being so close."
"Whatever. If that's it, we're leaving," Sanzo said. "We wasted enough time on this." He said it with a lack of heat.
He strode to the door. Hakkai hadn't moved. She stared at Gojyo and Goku and Sanzo.
"No," she said.
"What?" Sanzo said.
"I'm not leaving until I've changed back to my normal self," she said. It was a special Hakkai voice; flat and brooking no argument.
Sanzo stared. "What the hell?"
"It's dangerous," Hakkai went on. "It would be putting all of us at risk."
"It's putting this place at risk if we stay," Sanzo said.
"Actually, that's not the case," Jiang said. "Singing Tree has taken the precaution of placing a protective circle around the monastery."
Sanzo fell quiet for a moment, as if listening, which was creepy as hell. "Huh," he said. "Seems like she's good for something after all."
Jiang's smile tightened. "My sister is a good woman, Master Sanzo."
Sanzo stood at the door, staring at them.
"It would seem most sensible to stay here, in safety," Jiang said, quietly. "At least until Miss Cho is back to her normal bodily state."
"C'mon, it's only two days," Gojyo said. "Think of all the sleeping you can do."
"Two days wasted."
"Hakuryuu," Hakkai called, in a sharp voice. He swooped in through the window and flew into Hakkai's waiting arms. "You can always walk and we'll catch you up," she said.
"Bastards," Sanzo muttered, but Gojyo thought he looked secretly relieved. The tense set of his shoulders sagged "Okay. Two days and then we leave."
Hakkai bowed her head. "Thank you."
So they stayed. Jiang ate lunch with them, and he gave them all sake.
"It soothes the spirits," Jiang said, touching Sanzo on the back of his hand. "If you allow that."
"Is Mistress Singing Tree still here?" Hakkai asked, as they finished.
"She said she'd be waiting for you under the willow tree," Jiang said.
She touched Gojyo on the shoulder as she left, her fingers drifting to the back of his neck. He'd barely had a chance to wash and he was sure he could still smell her scent on his skin. He was aware of the others watching them.
"I have to—I need to—" Hakkai began, and stopped
"It's okay. You should. She could help."
Hakkai nodded and it felt like a long time before she took her hand away.
"I'm going back to bed," Sanzo said, and grumped off.
"It'll be good for him to rest," Goku said.
"Yeah, he usually has to cope with your snoring," Gojyo. said
"No way, you're the one who snores."
"No, you do, monkey!"
"Are you siblings?" Jiang asked, smiling.
Goku blinked and went red, but he looked almost kind of pleased "No way. Heh. That's funny."
"Yeah, hilarious."
Goku punched him on the shoulder and Gojyo took the fight out into the garden, where Gojyo caught him in a neck lock and flung him around, and Goku let him. Brothers. Yeah, thought Gojyo, if he had monkey genes.
"You smell different," Goku said.
Gojyo let him go abruptly and they flopped back onto the grass. "Yeah, well."
"Is it the sex?" Goku said, after a few moments.
"Since when were you interested?"
"I'm not. I was just curious," Goku said, with all the disdain of a priggish teenager. It was what came of living with monks, probably. He dropped his voice. "I can't believe you did it with Hakkai."
"As a woman!"
"Yeah," Goku said. "How's that gonna work out when he's a man again? Are you gonna, you know—As two guys?"
Gojyo had been trying really hard to not think about that exact thing, so he didn't have an answer. Instead, he tried to make Goku eat grass.
"Who the hell's been telling you stuff about man sex anyhow?"
"Sanzo," Goku said, as if it was the most normal thing ever. "Years ago. In case any of the monks tried anything with me. He told me it was okay to hit 'em and then he'd shoot 'em."
Hakkai was gone all day and into the evening. Gojyo took his cigarettes and went to sit under the grove of ancient cherry trees, trying not to listen to the thoughts buzzing in his head. There were just too many of them and they itched in his mind like fleas, jumping up one after another to bug him.
"Stop thinking," he said, flopping back in annoyance. Evening light fell in slanting beams through the leaves, edging them with gold. They whispered to him; a soft tone that reminded him of Hakkai's voice. He closed his eyes.
"It is possible to think too hard," said a voice above him. He opened his eyes to see the hem of Jiang's robe and Jiang himself, towering over him. "May I join you for a spot of non-thought?"
"Uh, sure," Gojyo said, sitting up. "Whatever. It's your temple, right?"
"Technically, yes, although Singing Tree likes to tell me how best to run things."
He didn't sound pissed about it though, but pleased.
"You're really close, right?" Gojyo said.
"Oh, yes."
"That's good." They sat a moment in silence. "Hakkai's sister… " Gojyo looked at his boots. "They were real close, even though… even though they only knew each other for a couple of years."
"Twins, yes. I remember." Jiang sounded mildly interested. "I imagine your young friend looks very much like his sister at this moment."
Gojyo swallowed. "She died. In a bad way. Must be more than four years ago now."
Jiang looked up into the cherry boughs, his bald head glistening, wrinkles speaking of decades of unknowable experience. What must it be like to be that old?
"Not so long ago. It would be difficult to ever get over such a thing."
"Yeah," said Gojyo, thinking of Jien, and of Hakkai calling him Gonou like that, like Kanan really was there, waiting to speak. "Do you think Singing Tree can really help him?"
"My sister is extremely wise. Really, it can be quite irritating."
"Yeah. I know what that's like."
"You're good friends, aren't you?"
"Best friends, I guess. Even with the sex and stuff." He put his head in his hands. "Shit."
"You're a very remarkable young man," Jiang said.
"No, I'm nothing special."
Jiang cocked a eyebrow at him, and his eye shone bright and black, like a bird. "I think you're wrong about that. Your friend is lucky to have found you." He slapped Gojyo's thigh and rose in one smooth movement. "Cheer up! Let's get drunk."
"Wait—"
But Jiang had turned and was striding away. Gojyo followed, scuffing up the neatly raked gravel with his boots. "What is it with you monks and your bad habits? You're not secretly a sanzo, are you?"
"Ahaha. I wish."
Gojyo lay awake, wondering where Hakkai was. Goku and Sanzo hadn't said anything about him sloping off to Hakkai's room. Jiang didn't seem to give a shit that sex was happening under his holy roof, on his holy mattress. Maybe he should pull back, stop letting this happen. It'd be for the best, when Hakkai changed back.
Hakkai slid into bed with him hours later and wound an arm round his waist.
"Hey," Gojyo mumbled. Hakkai's hands and feet were cold. "You okay?"
"Yes, Gojyo," Hakkai murmured, sounding dog tired, and Gojyo felt cool fingers stroking his hair from his forehead. "You should go back to sleep."
"Nah, I can stay awake." He tried to open his eyes, and saw Hakkai up close, skin glimmering in the light. "Have you been with her all this time?"
"Yes. She's very interesting." Hakkai slid an arm round his waist and laid her head on his shoulder, warm and trusting. "Did you know that she created the protective circle using her own urine?"
"That's seriously disgusting," Gojyo said, but his eyes sank shut again, against his will. He held Hakkai close, and slept.
They stayed two more days, just like Hakkai asked for. Gojyo's plan to cool things down worked really badly. Hakkai's naked body next to his was impossible not to touch, or even when it was dressed; long slender legs, high rounded breasts and the flare of hip that riveted all his attention when she was in the room. They played cards and ate and played stupid games with Goku, sitting under the cherry trees, which became their favourite place. Sanzo smoked almost continually, when he wasn't sleeping in the shade. Hakkai laughed a lot and didn't call him Gonou again. It was the best time, but it was weird how he missed Hakkai, even though Hakkai was right there with him.
A couple of mornings later, that all changed.
"Hello, Gojyo," Hakkai said. It wasn't her voice. Her face was gone, along with her small shoulders and her breasts and the dip of her waist. Under the thin sheets, Hakkai's body was long and angular, sharp bones and long muscles. His eyes seemed infinitely sad, the curve of his mouth turned down.
"Oh," Gojyo managed, swimming up from sleep. He remembered her in the curve of his arm last night, so close and warm. Now there were inches of cold sheet between them, no touching, just like when they'd shared a bed before. Two guys. "You're here."
"I never went away," Hakkai said, his voice painfully light.
The moment hung between them. Gojyo found it hard to look away, tracing the lines of Hakkai's face with his eyes, the longer jaw and nose, less full mouth. His eyes were the same though, exactly, to every fleck and lash.
"This is awkward," Hakkai said. "I'm sorry."
"It is kinda weird, yeah."
Neither of them moved. "Sanzo will want to be underway, then," Hakkai said.
"Do you—Uh. Feel okay and stuff?"
"Not really, no," Hakkai said. He got out of bed, naked, like it didn't matter if Gojyo saw him like that, the whole of Hakkai's naked body, his dick and everything. He looked away fast, even though he had an urge to stare more.
Gojyo'd been inside her last night, going slow and deep until they'd both been shaking. They hadn't talked much. Maybe Hakkai thought there was nothing to say. He watched the curve of Hakkai's spine as he stooped to gather his clothes—his guy clothes—from his bag. Gojyo got a brief glimpse of his cock too, and his balls. Hakkai glanced over his shoulder.
Gojyo looked away, feeling ashamed now for looking. "Better get dressed," he said, pointlessly, then was unable to get out of bed until Hakkai had put on his clothes and had left the room. He gave Gojyo a bland smile.
Gojyo didn't bother washing, just flung on his clothes and packed his things up. He packed Hakkai's stuff too, folding the sweater and skirt as neat as he could and putting them in the bottom of Hakkai's bag along with the shoes and underwear. He was down at breakfast before Hakkai, who seemed to take a long time in the bathroom. Maybe getting used to his man parts.
"Well?" Sanzo said, as Gojyo sat down.
"Well what?"
He scowled. Maybe that was enough for Sanzo, because Sanzo gave a twisted little smile and said: "I take it we're leaving this morning?"
"Yeah," Gojyo said. "Everything's back to normal."
"So Hakkai's got his, um… " said Goku.
"Uh huh," Gojyo said, not wanting to have this conversation, ever. He lit a cigarette and avoided their eyes, tasting the smoke with relief. It gave him something else to focus on, rather than the two sets of sharp eyes that were currently fixed on him.
"Good," Sanzo said, when Hakkai came in. "The girl thing was starting to creep me out."
"Well, at least you weren't the one with the vagina," Hakkai said, sitting down next to Gojyo. "Otherwise things might've been far worse."
"…Shut up."
Gojyo couldn't help a snort of laughter, and Goku giggled behind his hand.
"It's for the best I'm back to normal, then," Hakkai went on
There was some silence. Goku was clearly thinking of something to say. Hakkai ignored them all and picked at the bland rice and vegetables that the monks thought made a good breakfast. He fed at least half of it to Hakuryuu, who was gazing up at him in an adoring sort of way.
"I thought you made a pretty girl, Hakkai," said Goku, quietly. "An' a kind one too."
Hakkai's gaze softened and he smiled down into his bowl. "Well, thank you."
They carried their things out to the car after breakfast. The sun shone, hot and full already. The gardens looked shady and peaceful and enticing. He saw Hakkai glancing at them more than once.
"It'd be good to spend a few more days here," Gojyo said.
"No," Hakkai said. "We should enjoy what we had and move on."
Their eyes met. "We haven't got any choice anyhow," he said, acting like he didn't get it.
Hakkai gave him a small genuine smile that made Gojyo glow, despite everything. "No, we certainly do not."
Jiang and Singing Tree came to sat goodbye. Singing Tree let out a squawk when she saw Hakkai, and clapped him hard on the shoulder.
"You're still a babe, even with your dick back," she said, leering as Hakkai's eyes widened.
"Singing Tree," Jiang said, under his breath. "Don't make them glad to leave."
"Ah. Thank you for the compliment."
"Mm," she said, staring at him. "Did you pick up the urine potion instructions?"
"Yes, thank you ma'am," Hakkai said.
"The what?" Sanzo said. He was already in the front seat, settled in and stoking up his impatient glare.
"Oh, nothing," Hakkai said.
Jiang took Gojyo's hand and clasped it. "Bring your friends back this way, if you get a chance."
Gojyo wasn't used to decent old priests smiling at him and being friendly. It was a nice change. "Yeah, sure, if we get a chance. Thanks for everything."
Chao was standing at the gates, watching as they drove by.
"Don't stop," Sanzo said, but Hakkai slowed and killed Hakuryuu's engine anyway.
"Thank you," Hakkai said, looking up into Chao's face. He didn't say what for, or anything. Chao blushed.
"I'm glad to have met you," Chao said. "I wish you well."
He stood looking after them for a long time. Gojyo knew, because he checked. Then he forced himself to turn around and concentrate on the road ahead. Hakkai's dark hair fluttered in the breeze, still in its cute girly haircut. It was hardly different from his normal one, really. It was oddly shocking to see him there. It was a good feeling, Gojyo thought.
"Do we know where we're going?" Hakkai said.
"No," Gojyo said. "Do we ever?"
Hakkai laughed. Gojyo had an urge to put his arms round him and hold on.
"West, morons," said Sanzo. "It's not difficult."
Gojyo slumped in the back and bickered with Goku to pass the time, until they'd worn each other out. Hakkai drove fast and recklessly.
"Are you trying to kill us?" Sanzo asked in a peevish voice. "Slow down."
Hakkai did, minutely, and he smiled widely. "Sorry. I'm simply enjoying being back in the saddle, so to speak."
Sanzo didn't say anything else. Gojyo watched the back of Hakkai's head. He had wide shoulders, although it was easy not to notice them. There wasn't anything soft and girlish about him, only hard angles like the sharp bones of his wrist as he wrenched Hakuryuu's gear stick forward, and long smooth play of muscles and tendons.
They had to stop on the way and fight a youkai hoard with bad dress sense, which was predictable. It was a bit less predictable that Hakkai got his chi out and blasted them all to shit instantly.
Sanzo lowered his gun, looking slightly pale.
"I've been feeling somewhat pent up," Hakkai told them, cheerfully.
"Um," said Goku.
"It's better out than in," Hakkai went on.
"Not in every case," Sanzo said, and stomped back to the car. "Although that was efficient."
Twelve hours later, dust stained and with a sore ass, Gojyo climbed out of the car and trooped with the others into the inn they'd found. He stood dumbly as Hakkai signed them up to share a room, just like normal. He didn't know exactly what that word meant anymore. It was possible he hadn't ever known.
"They'll bring food to the rooms," Hakkai said.
"Whatever," said Sanzo. He seemed almost asleep on his feet, and Goku was hovering, as if waiting to catch him.
They ate together in Sanzo and Goku's room, everyone just chowing down, all subdued and quiet. The bathhouse was small so they took turns. Hakkai somehow managed to go first, as always, but Gojyo didn't mind. It gave him a chance to lie on the bed they'd be sharing and freak out quietly with a cigarette. It wasn't like Hakkai was expecting things to… go on. He'd said as much, and that they should move on.
He tried not to think about the future too hard, but it mostly had Hakkai in it, sometimes still on the fucking journey as old men, sometimes back in his little house, or even a better house. Sometimes, obviously, they'd be dead and gone, people walking on the grass over their heads, never even remembering them. Shit, whatever. The ceiling had a crack shaped like a bit like a vagina. He stared at that instead until Hakkai came back in.
"There's still hot water, Gojyo."
"Can't be bothered to wash."
Hakkai began to fold his clothes. He was barelegged and in his old baggy t-shirt, the one he'd bought from a market stall in Chang'An, maybe the first week they were living together. Gojyo'd lent him the money. No, given him the money. He smiled in Gojyo's direction, gaze sliding away to not quite meet Gojyo's eyes.
"You should wash, please," Hakkai said. "If we're to be sleeping in close quarters."
"Right."
The water was cool, because Sanzo had got there before him. Gojyo washed the dust out of his hair and felt it sluicing off his skin, and thought about sleeping together in 'close quarters'.
Hakkai was all tucked up in bed when he got back. He'd switched the light off too, so Gojyo dumped his clothes and towel on the floor and groped his way to the bed. The open window let in cool night scents, dark and damp. Hakkai didn't say anything when Gojyo slid under the covers, and Gojyo didn't even begin to try. They lay quietly, until Gojyo relaxed enough to be able to sleep. It came quickly and with no dreams.
He woke in the middle of the night to find Hakkai all tangled up in his arms, pressed tight to Gojyo's front. His breathing was slow and heavy, his face pressed to Gojyo's bare chest like he wanted to hide there.
"Hey," Gojyo said, very quietly. Hakkai didn't move or respond in any way. He must be asleep. Gojyo didn't say anything else. Hakkai's hair was soft under his fingers, and the skin of his temple was warm and smooth against Gojyo's mouth, the three limiters on his ear as warm as skin.
He let himself touch, eyes closed tight, palms skimming over Hakkai's shoulder and back. Slowly, slowly down to his waist as Hakkai lay heavy and sleeping. I fucked you, he thought, and you loved it. A night ago, Hakkai had got down on his knees and sucked on his dick, and moaned all the way through it.
He was getting hard, just thinking about that. Hakkai's hips were tilted towards him, sort of invitingly, and one of his thighs was pressing against Gojyo's. It wasn't that different after all, for Gojyo. He stared into the dark with a dry mouth and saw a different future.
He wondered wildly, blindly if he could shake Hakkai awake and ask if he wanted to suck Gojyo's dick. Instead he inched backwards and lay breathing too fast, his mouth and nose filled with Hakkai's scent, his dick hard, aching to sink it into something hot and tight and wet and…
"Gojyo?" Hakkai said, his voice so heavy and vague he must still be mostly asleep. His fingers dug into Gojyo's arm.
"It's okay," Gojyo whispered, heart thumping. "It's okay. Go back to sleep."
"Mmh," Hakkai said, and pushed his nose back against Gojyo's skin.
There was no time in the morning to even think about sex. They were spilled out of bed by an attack on the inn.
"I should've created a copy of Singing Tree's protective potion," Hakkai said, sending three youkai several metres into the air with a blast of chi. He looked well rested and bright eyed. Gojyo felt like crap.
"Not the one with the piss in it?" Gojyo said.
"That's disgusting," Sanzo said, pausing with his gun drooping and his mouth open slightly.
"And yet so effective," said Hakkai, smiling.
As they raced west, later that day, Gojyo had plenty of time to think about Singing Tree and Hakkai and Jiang. He had plenty of time to think about everything, which sucked because it was making his brain hurt.
He noticed Goku watching him now and then, which made him jumpy. Seeing those soft golden eyes on him made him shiver, a little. When he narrowed them like that, he looked too like Sanzo for comfort.
"What?" he said, by late afternoon.
"Nothin'," the monkey said. "I'm glad Hakkai's back to normal, that's all."
"Yeah. Yeah, me too."
He thought about that a lot too. "I'm glad you're you again," he said, much later, into the dark. Hakkai was close by, breathing slowly.
There was what seemed like a depthless silence for a long time. "You don't miss—her?"
Gojyo's heart began to thump. "I dunno. Maybe. A little. It was still you though." He paused, and turned on his side, wondering truly what it could've been like for Hakkai, seeing her in the mirror every day. He could feel Hakkai's body heat and the stirring of his breath. "Do you miss her?"
He'd never asked Hakkai anything like that. But then, they'd never had sex before now, or slept all curled up together and half naked.
"Yes, often," Hakkai said. His voice was soft and flat, almost muffled by the pillow. It was very close to Gojyo. "It can't be helped though."
"No, right." He almost said it then, almost said: "Do you want me?" But Hakkai didn't speak again and Gojyo was tired right down to his bones, too tired even to worry.
He dreamed about being back home, being a kid again. There were arms around him, strong and tight, not a woman's arms but more like Jien. The ozone zing of youkai power, the scent of damp wood and dusty corners. Someone was murmuring, somewhere, and the arms were getting tighter.
Gojyo pulled himself up from sleep. Hakkai was pressed up close, lying almost nose to nose. He had his arms round Gojyo's waist and he was deeply asleep. He was also hard, Gojyo could feel it all against the top of his thigh. He was rocking slightly; in whatever dreams he was having something good was clearly happening. Gojyo swore very quietly to himself.
"Hey, Hakkai."
He said it quiet though, and more because he thought he should than because he wanted Hakkai to let go, and how weird was that to admit to himself? He let Hakkai wind closer, warm and heavy and feeling good, until Hakkai's hard-on faded away and he moved into some other dream. Gojyo sighed and was mostly glad, because it meant he could sleep and not fixate on all the sex they weren't having now.
Hakkai looked sleepy and sexy the next morning, stretching out next to Gojyo for several minutes, nothing touching now but their toes, and then only briefly.
"Good morning, Gojyo," Hakkai said, and gazed at him with soft dreamy eyes. "Did you sleep well?"
"Uhm." He decided to tell as much of the truth as he dared. "No. Pretty bad."
Hakkai looked at him. They lay still and quiet, listening to the birds cheeping and the rattle of shutters as the inn opened up.
"We should get to a big town today," Hakkai said, touching his shoulder. "We need to do some shopping."
Through the walls, Sanzo's voice could be heard and then Goku's louder talking, then a yell.
"It's time we were up," Hakkai sighed, sliding his fingers down Gojyo's arm as if he weren't even aware he was doing it, and he was gone, up and out and to the bathroom.
Gojyo dressed and went downstairs. Goku was eating his way through what looked like five breakfasts. Gojyo wondered for about the millionth time how big his stomach must be to fit it all in, some sort of stomach version of a bottomless pit.
"What's wrong?" Goku said.
"Nothing," said Gojyo.
"You look like crap."
"Well, thanks so much. Can't you eat with your mouth closed for once?"
"No," said Goku. "I can't."
Sanzo rattled his newspaper. Hakkai joined them shortly afterwards. He wiped up the table and poured Gojyo and Sanzo's coffee from the pot that sat steaming in front of them. There was a pretty waitress hanging about near the kitchen door, looking over. She smiled when she saw Gojyo looking. Hakkai had his head down, eating slowly. Gojyo could wave back, or wink or smile or whatever, even go over. He could do any of those things, if he wanted. He didn't, though.
They reached the big town at lunchtime. It was thriving, which was good to see. Goku, through a process of continual grinding down, got Sanzo to take him to a restaurant that was offering two for one on duck. People got out their way, nodding and bowing as Sanzo ignored every single one of them.
Gojyo carried the shopping, like he always did, following after Hakkai's apparently random progress through the town and the market as he exclaimed over the price of various things.
"These look nice, don't you think, Gojyo?" Hakkai said.
He leaned against Gojyo's shoulder as he picked out plums and fresh blushing apricots, and when Gojyo took the bags from him, his long fingers brushed over Gojyo's palm, spidery and cool just like Singing Tree's fingers had felt that first time he'd met her.
After the shopping, they wandered together, not talking. Hakkai's shoulder touched his as they walked. They wandered along odd little streets paved with dusty stones, a small butcher's shop that was also someone's house, a gang of children squealing through a game of tag, just normal life. They stopped next to a stone shrine that stood in a small dusty courtyard. Looking up, Gojyo saw the towering white clouds that sailed across the sky.
"Would you change back," Gojyo asked. "If you could?"
Hakkai leaned next to him, so their elbows touched. "No," he said. "It's something best left in the past."
"Like Kanan," Gojyo said.
"I don't think I've ever heard you say her name before."
Gojyo turned to him and was sure everything was written plain across his face.
Hakkai stared right back, his eyes a hard and brilliant green. His mouth was open and ready when Gojyo pressed his own to it. He closed his fists in the front of Hakkai's shirt and held on, keeping them mouth to mouth, partly because he was half scared Hakkai might just run and then everything would be fucked.
He'd never kissed a man before, technically. He was panting when they pulled apart. Sanzo and Goku were standing at the entrance to the square, watching them. Sanzo gave them a long accusing look and turned on his heel, and Goku followed, looking back over his shoulder with an open mouth.
"Shit," Gojyo said, bending to catch his breath. His heart was hammering, but at least seeing those two was a useful erection-deflating service. "Shit."
Hakkai stepped back, almost stumbling, and dragged his hand over his mouth. "Gojyo."
"Yeah?" Gojyo's palms tingled with sweat.
"This is awkward, isn't it?"
"You're good at understatement."
"Sorry."
He caught Hakkai's soft direct smile and was reminded of four years ago, when they weren't talking much. He had to smile back, more out of a sense of relief than anything else.
"Hey, don't be. But yeah. It kinda is."
"We should catch them up before Sanzo gets beyond any control. I need him to urinate into a bucket, so a good mood would be best."
"Have you gone nuts?"
"No," said Hakkai, very seriously. "It's for Singing Tree's potion."
"I'm not sure I even wanna be protected by Sanzo's piss!"
Hakkai shook his head. "You'll appreciate it later. Will you bring those shopping bags?"
"Yeah, of course." Just like none of that hot kissing had ever happened.
They played mahjong that night, in Gojyo and Hakkai's room, with Sanzo stonily quiet and Goku too loud. The inn's set was chipped bone painted with red and black and splotched with yellow and green for the flower tiles. Sanzo's silence was the best thing ever right now. Except that Goku kept giving him these long level looks that freaked him the hell out, like Goku had suddenly grown about ten years older and knew everything about everything, including the thoughts in Gojyo's head as he stared at his tiles.
Hakkai was playing to lose, Gojyo noticed, which meant he wanted the game over. Which meant that he wanted to go to bed. It waited over by the wall, with sheets neatly turned back and two pillows side by side. His thoughts jumped about like a scared rabbit, picturing them in it and what might happen.
Yeah, and he could worry about it forever and miss out on enjoying his beer and the relative peace of Sanzo not shouting at them.
"Stop starin' at me, Goku."
"I'm not!"
"It's because you've got cigarette ash all over your cheek," Hakkai said.
"…Oh."
Goku laughed in a really annoying way.
"Let me—" Hakkai reached over and rubbed it off with his thumb. The air went out of Gojyo's lungs.
Your game's for shit tonight, Hakkai," he said, when he could speak again.
"You only say that because you're losing too," Hakkai said, smiling.
Goku clicked his tiles down, and down the hall someone slammed a door.
"You're both playing to lose," Sanzo said, giving them a sharp purple glare.
"What do you mean by that?" Hakkai said, smiling.
"Nothing but the truth," Sanzo said. He pushed away from the table and stood. "Goku, come on," he ordered. Sanzo's bare feet had dirty black soles, Gojyo noticed. He was seeing all sorts of things he hadn't noticed before.
Hakkai went over to close the door properly, then came towards him. They stood for a moment under the bare bulb. The bright glare cast shadows down across Hakkai's face, bathing him in light. His t-shirt was caught on one side in the waistband of his jeans, and he was barefoot too, only his feet were clean and roughly four sizes bigger than his feet had been as a girl. Hakkai was right there, solid and real and a guy, looking half scared, his pupils blown out and huge.
"Gojyo."
"It's okay," Gojyo said softly, and he caught the back of Hakkai's neck in his hand and kissed him.
He could be smooth and steady when he wanted, sometimes. Not as much as he liked to think he was. Not now though, and that was faintly embarrassing, only he was too busy getting pushed back towards the bed to care. The mattress was soft and Hakkai was a heavy weight on top of him, far heavier than any girl. Hakkai's breathing was fast and shallow and he kissed Gojyo like he couldn't get deep enough inside, their mouths stretching wide and open. Hakkai pulled his own glasses off and dropped them on the floor.
"I'll pick them up later," he said, like Gojyo gave a shit.
They undressed cautiously, two buttons here, a shoved up t-shirt, Gojyo's jeans eased down slowly over his hips until Hakkai could slip his hand inside and press his face to Gojyo's shoulder, exploring with his fingers. Gojyo just clung on, until he realised his nails must be sinking into Hakkai's skin.
He could barely concentrate on the feeling of Hakkai's hand on him, just because it was Hakkai and it was just the two of them and no one else, no weird spells, no vaginas, just him and Hakkai, having sex. He bit his lip and whimpered, feeling the tickle of Hakkai's hair on his cheek and the way his belt buckle was digging into Gojyo's stomach. Hakkai groaned into his shoulder and took hold of his cock in a grip that was definitely—oh, yeah. Male. Good. Tight and clever, Hakkai's fingers playing with his foreskin and rubbing around the edge of the head. Because he probably remembered that Gojyo liked that, from last time.
Because they'd had sex already. This was still Hakkai, still her. Still him. The same person.
"Oh, holy fuck," Gojyo breathed and wrapped both arms tight around Hakkai's neck. "I want you so fucking much."
Hakkai pulled back, wobbling on an unsteady arm. His lips were red against his skin and a little bit wet. He craned his head to look down between their bodies, at his own fist working slowly around Gojyo's dick. Gojyo pushed aside Hakkai's sagging t-shirt to let him have a better view. Hakkai breathed hard. He rubbed his thumb almost thoughtfully over the head of Gojyo's cock, spreading the few drops of liquid that had leaked already.
"It's odd," Hakkai said, in a perfectly level tone. "I'm just as attracted to you now I'm like this."
"Did it—" Gojyo paused and tried to get his words in the right order, still watching Hakkai's hand and the way Hakkai's cock made a long hard line in the front of his jeans. "Did being a chick make you… horny for guys?"
"I don't know," he said, propping himself on one hand to stare down at Gojyo. He looked so pretty and familiar, puzzling out a problem. "Perhaps it was always there."
Gojyo hooked two thumbs in his jeans and slid them down further to bare his thighs. Hakkai made a sound under his breath and stopped talking, which made Gojyo happy. If they talked, Gojyo might have to say stuff about himself too. Feelings and shit. Hakkai might want that, having been a girl, even for a week.
Instead Hakkai bent his neck and kissed him, his lips soft and cool, his hand still moving. Gojyo slid both hands into Hakkai's hair, loving the silkiness of it, cupping his jaw to angle his mouth. Hakkai moaned and then he moved, straddling Gojyo's hips, his free hand pulling at the fastenings of his jeans. Their hands met in tangle of fingers and he heard Hakkai's faint high-pitched giggle, sort of on the edge of panic.
"Let me, come on," Gojyo said, his fingers slipping on the difficult top button of Hakkai's ancient pale jeans. His voice came out funny, like he was half strangling on something. He didn't recall them having half this trouble when Hakkai was a woman. He had to close his eyes briefly at the thought. It wasn't like Gojyo had an average life, not really, but why did it have to be so weird?
He got the zip open and just looked for a moment; at Hakkai's long trailing scar, the way his underwear was stretched over his cock, the thin trail of hair that led upwards, disturbed by scar tissue.
"Oh," Gojyo said, very softly. He wanted to kiss it, maybe make it all better. It hadn't been there on Hakkai's stomach before, when he was a girl.
"I know," Hakkai said. "Singing Tree said it was part of the spell. It began as a healing spell, she said. Before she modified it."
"Damn," Gojyo said. "Can I—Do you mind?"
"I don't know," Hakkai said, shakily.
Gojyo touched it, running his fingers along the ridged edge, the unnatural smoothness. Hakkai's stomach muscles jumped under his fingers and a small dark stain spread across his white underwear, where it was pulled taut by the head of Hakkai's cock. Gojyo'd seen that particular pair hanging up to dry in countless hotel rooms, on the back of chairs. He'd never seen them quite like this, although he supposed Hakkai must've got hard hundreds of times, just like any guy, just randomly sitting around being bored, thinking about hot sex. Did Hakkai even think about sex, like normal guys?
He bit his lip and ran his palm along the length of Hakkai's shaft, feeling the heat through worn cotton, feeling the size, damn.
"Is that good?" Gojyo said.
"Yes," Hakkai whispered, staring down at where Gojyo was touching.
He wanted to make Hakkai sound like that again. He worked his hand into Hakkai's underwear, stretching it out, running his fingers slowly down Hakkai's stiff dick, mind blanking. His cock was burning hot, silky and perfectly smooth, apart from the faint ridges of veins and the wetness at the head. Hakkai pushed against his touch, hips moving in a sudden fluid motion, pure sex. Gojyo didn't even know he could move like that, that men could move like that. He pushed his fingers down to grope Hakkai's balls. They were tight, like Hakkai was ready to pop.
Hakkai made a needy little sound and did that thing with his hips again, so that his cock rubbed up hard against the inside of Gojyo's wrist, leaving a warm sticky smear on his skin. Hakkai's eyes were heavy, lashes fluttering, and his mouth was slack as he stared down, his neck bent to watch Gojyo's hand as it curled around his shaft.
"Oh, your hands," Hakkai muttered, and he thrust up into Gojyo grip, real hard, and then Gojyo got a clue about how Hakkai might look when he was actually fucking. Fucking Gojyo.
His mind blanked again, thoughts sliding away to places he didn't want them to go, and he just stared as Hakkai worked himself in and out of Gojyo's grip, fucking his hand with tight hungry movements.
"Nnh, yes," and there was a growl in there, a low noise in Hakkai's throat like an animal. Wild. Gojyo's heartbeat just about doubled then and he shook his head, half panicking at the thought of what he wanted.
Hakkai squirmed back a little and took hold of Gojyo's cock again. They both whined. What he wanted… He wanted Hakkai like this, maybe had done for a long time without properly knowing it.
"Closer," he said. "Here." He caught Hakkai by the upper arm and pulled him down. Hakkai kissed him, taking over, pushing him down into the pillow with the force of it, sucking on Gojyo's tongue and his lip, moving down to bite at the front of his throat. His teeth were sharp and his kisses and bites there were ravenous, in a way Hakkai never seemed to be for food. Gojyo arched his neck back, eyes wide with shock.
He could hardly keep his hand moving steadily, but they were both breathing hard, bodies tensing. He felt the flex in the muscles of Hakkai's thighs, gripping him as Gojyo jerked him harder and faster. Hakkai was slick, pulsing in Gojyo's palm as Gojyo ran his fingers tight around the head, pinching a little, rubbing over the tiny mouth, pressing down along the underside. Hakkai came with no warning except the tensing of his muscles and a long indrawn shaking breath, like he was trying to inhale Gojyo's scent right from his skin. He moved his mouth to press down over Gojyo's as he spurted over Gojyo's fingers and lower stomach.
"Sorry," Hakkai mumbled. "I'm sorry."
Hakkai's voice was rough and thick and it made Gojyo want to squirm. Hakkai was still touching him, long fingers loosely clasped around his cock.
"Shit," Gojyo whispered. "Don't stop."
"I won't."
It was crazy to get hot over just a voice. Hakkai sat back, jeans loose and sagging, cock softening. Gojyo felt his skin heat just looking at it and the stripes of Hakkai's come drying on his skin. The light from the bare bulb flowed down onto them and there really was nowhere to hide as Hakkai stroked him fast and hard and skillfully, sitting right back on Gojyo's thighs with Gojyo's dick in his hand, looking almost like he was jerking himself off.
Something crashed through Gojyo at that moment; need, the thought of Hakkai doing that to himself while Gojyo watched, the hot sweaty grip that Hakkai knew how to use just right. This was Hakkai and they were really doing this, for real. He tried to spread his thighs, arching his hips up, reaching and aching for it as his orgasm began to wash through him. He groped for Hakkai's other hand and their fingers twisted together. Hakkai leaned over him, watching as Gojyo came.
"You look so different this way," Hakkai said, planting soft kisses on his mouth as Gojyo shook and moaned. "I like it."
"I like it too."
They were still holding hands, which Gojyo might feel embarrassed about later. Right now he only felt shaky and exhausted. Hakkai moved carefully off him, then stood. Gojyo watched him undress neatly, down to his underwear.
"Should I switch the light off?" Hakkai said.
"Yeah."
Gojyo got all of the way out of his jeans in the dark, and slid under the covers. He heard the soft scuff of Hakkai's bare feet, then the dip of the mattress and then Hakkai lying down next to him, careful and controlled. He shifted close to Gojyo, then stopped as if he weren't sure anymore that he should touch, which was all back to front.
"You can—If you like," Gojyo said.
Hakkai moved closer, and Gojyo felt a kiss on his shoulder and the brush of soft hair, the soft touch of fingers stroking his chest as he drifted to sleep.
His dreams were tangled and annoying, except Hakkai was always there with him so things didn't feel so bad. Singing Tree was laughing at him while Goku kept asking if he preferred mangoes or cucumbers, and what was the difference? Jien couldn't explain and neither could his mom, but he didn't want her to.
He woke up lying on his back with sheets twisted around his waist. Hakkai was lying on his side, his head on the pillow, watching him. There was a red patch on his throat—a bite that Gojyo remembered sucking into existence. He blushed at the memory.
Shit. They'd really done it.
He guessed the shock must've shown on his face because Hakkai sat up quite quickly and slipped out of bed, dressed in his baggy t-shirt and underwear. His legs poked out, long and pale, dark hair giving them a shadow. His feet had a high strong arch. Narrow hips, the bulge of his cock and balls, straight back… Definitely definitely a guy. He got a sudden and vivid picture of Jien—Dokugakuji—laughing his guts out.
"Shut it, loser," he muttered.
"I'm sorry?" Hakkai said, looking over his shoulder with a worried expression.
"Talking to myself," Gojyo said.
"Oh. We're heading into the mountains today," Hakkai said, gathering up his towel and washbag from where they were laid out, waiting. "I think we need extra clothes, it's going to be cold."
"Okay, whatever. As long as I get coffee."
"As long as you don't become over-caffienated," Hakkai said. "It's bad for your heart."
Gojyo slid out of bed, his stomach crusted embarrassingly with dried spunk. He scratched at it and watched it flake off. Bad for his heart. He grinned.
"I'm gonna have a wash," he said.
"That's a good idea," Hakkai said, in a distracted voice. Gojyo looked up to find Hakkai watching him, attention fixed on Gojyo's fingers. "I'll come with you."
"Right."
It wasn't any different from their normal routine, except that usually he wasn't so aware of Hakkai walking right next to him. In the bathroom, they stood side by side at the sink. Hakkai took out a small glittery hairclip and fixed his hair back from his face.
"Um," Gojyo said, meeting his eyes in the mirror. "That's chick stuff."
"It's useful," Hakkai said. He squeezed toothpaste onto his brush and his gaze slid away. "Think of it as memorabilia."
Gojyo rinsed his shaving razor under the hot water tap, then leaned on the sink. "I don't think I'm ever gonna forget it," he said.
Hakkai brushed his teeth and rinsed. "Well, no. Nor am I." He smiled. "I kept the clothes too," he said.
Gojyo paused in his shaving. "Is that. Um. Why?"
"Singing Tree seems an unpredictable sort. It's better to be prepared."
"Do you really think she'll do it again?"
Hakkai swilled out the sink with cold water, running his hand absently around the bowl. "No," he said, finally. "No, I don't."
"It's not a problem," Gojyo said, meeting his eyes in the mirror.
Hakkai dipped his head, but he didn't look away. He smiled, taking up his towel and the bar of soap, and went into the shower. Be prepared. Gojyo stared at his own reflection. There were blue rings under his eyes. He remembered the first time he'd seen Hakkai in that damned skirt, looking fine. But that wasn't who Hakkai was. That was someone else.
He was still leaning against the sink when Hakkai came out, dripping water from the tips of his hair.
"Come over here," Gojyo said, and Hakkai came, trotting over with a curious look, like there was no option but to do what Gojyo asked. Just that on its own gave Gojyo a warmth in the pit of his stomach; he liked it a lot.
"What is it, Gojyo?"
Gojyo put a hand on Hakkai's shoulder, which was damp from the shower still, and then kissed him. He tasted of mint toothpaste and of himself. Hakkai moaned instantly and leaned into him, pressing against Gojyo's body. After a little while, Gojyo eased back and tried to speak. He managed it on the second try.
"Have we got, like, a plan?"
"A plan?" Hakkai sounded distracted.
"You know, for—this thing. Us. Whatever."
"Looking at things pragmatically, we could continue sleeping together," Hakkai said. His hand curled softly into the nape of Gojyo's neck, stroking.
"What?"
"If it's convenient," Hakkai said. "I've been thinking."
"Um, all night?"
"No," said Hakkai, frowning. "Only part of it."
Gojyo nodded, possibly for longer than he needed to. "Is there even that much to think about?" he said.
It must've been the right thing to say, because Hakkai smiled and shook his head.
Fandom: Saiyuki
Pairing: Hakkai/Gojyo
Warnings: explict het and m/m, genderswap
Notes and summary can be found here. Any feedback and comments are very much appreciated.
part one part two
"She's telling the truth," Jiang said. "I know when she's lying. It's one of the benefits of being so close."
"Whatever. If that's it, we're leaving," Sanzo said. "We wasted enough time on this." He said it with a lack of heat.
He strode to the door. Hakkai hadn't moved. She stared at Gojyo and Goku and Sanzo.
"No," she said.
"What?" Sanzo said.
"I'm not leaving until I've changed back to my normal self," she said. It was a special Hakkai voice; flat and brooking no argument.
Sanzo stared. "What the hell?"
"It's dangerous," Hakkai went on. "It would be putting all of us at risk."
"It's putting this place at risk if we stay," Sanzo said.
"Actually, that's not the case," Jiang said. "Singing Tree has taken the precaution of placing a protective circle around the monastery."
Sanzo fell quiet for a moment, as if listening, which was creepy as hell. "Huh," he said. "Seems like she's good for something after all."
Jiang's smile tightened. "My sister is a good woman, Master Sanzo."
Sanzo stood at the door, staring at them.
"It would seem most sensible to stay here, in safety," Jiang said, quietly. "At least until Miss Cho is back to her normal bodily state."
"C'mon, it's only two days," Gojyo said. "Think of all the sleeping you can do."
"Two days wasted."
"Hakuryuu," Hakkai called, in a sharp voice. He swooped in through the window and flew into Hakkai's waiting arms. "You can always walk and we'll catch you up," she said.
"Bastards," Sanzo muttered, but Gojyo thought he looked secretly relieved. The tense set of his shoulders sagged "Okay. Two days and then we leave."
Hakkai bowed her head. "Thank you."
So they stayed. Jiang ate lunch with them, and he gave them all sake.
"It soothes the spirits," Jiang said, touching Sanzo on the back of his hand. "If you allow that."
"Is Mistress Singing Tree still here?" Hakkai asked, as they finished.
"She said she'd be waiting for you under the willow tree," Jiang said.
She touched Gojyo on the shoulder as she left, her fingers drifting to the back of his neck. He'd barely had a chance to wash and he was sure he could still smell her scent on his skin. He was aware of the others watching them.
"I have to—I need to—" Hakkai began, and stopped
"It's okay. You should. She could help."
Hakkai nodded and it felt like a long time before she took her hand away.
"I'm going back to bed," Sanzo said, and grumped off.
"It'll be good for him to rest," Goku said.
"Yeah, he usually has to cope with your snoring," Gojyo. said
"No way, you're the one who snores."
"No, you do, monkey!"
"Are you siblings?" Jiang asked, smiling.
Goku blinked and went red, but he looked almost kind of pleased "No way. Heh. That's funny."
"Yeah, hilarious."
Goku punched him on the shoulder and Gojyo took the fight out into the garden, where Gojyo caught him in a neck lock and flung him around, and Goku let him. Brothers. Yeah, thought Gojyo, if he had monkey genes.
"You smell different," Goku said.
Gojyo let him go abruptly and they flopped back onto the grass. "Yeah, well."
"Is it the sex?" Goku said, after a few moments.
"Since when were you interested?"
"I'm not. I was just curious," Goku said, with all the disdain of a priggish teenager. It was what came of living with monks, probably. He dropped his voice. "I can't believe you did it with Hakkai."
"As a woman!"
"Yeah," Goku said. "How's that gonna work out when he's a man again? Are you gonna, you know—As two guys?"
Gojyo had been trying really hard to not think about that exact thing, so he didn't have an answer. Instead, he tried to make Goku eat grass.
"Who the hell's been telling you stuff about man sex anyhow?"
"Sanzo," Goku said, as if it was the most normal thing ever. "Years ago. In case any of the monks tried anything with me. He told me it was okay to hit 'em and then he'd shoot 'em."
Hakkai was gone all day and into the evening. Gojyo took his cigarettes and went to sit under the grove of ancient cherry trees, trying not to listen to the thoughts buzzing in his head. There were just too many of them and they itched in his mind like fleas, jumping up one after another to bug him.
"Stop thinking," he said, flopping back in annoyance. Evening light fell in slanting beams through the leaves, edging them with gold. They whispered to him; a soft tone that reminded him of Hakkai's voice. He closed his eyes.
"It is possible to think too hard," said a voice above him. He opened his eyes to see the hem of Jiang's robe and Jiang himself, towering over him. "May I join you for a spot of non-thought?"
"Uh, sure," Gojyo said, sitting up. "Whatever. It's your temple, right?"
"Technically, yes, although Singing Tree likes to tell me how best to run things."
He didn't sound pissed about it though, but pleased.
"You're really close, right?" Gojyo said.
"Oh, yes."
"That's good." They sat a moment in silence. "Hakkai's sister… " Gojyo looked at his boots. "They were real close, even though… even though they only knew each other for a couple of years."
"Twins, yes. I remember." Jiang sounded mildly interested. "I imagine your young friend looks very much like his sister at this moment."
Gojyo swallowed. "She died. In a bad way. Must be more than four years ago now."
Jiang looked up into the cherry boughs, his bald head glistening, wrinkles speaking of decades of unknowable experience. What must it be like to be that old?
"Not so long ago. It would be difficult to ever get over such a thing."
"Yeah," said Gojyo, thinking of Jien, and of Hakkai calling him Gonou like that, like Kanan really was there, waiting to speak. "Do you think Singing Tree can really help him?"
"My sister is extremely wise. Really, it can be quite irritating."
"Yeah. I know what that's like."
"You're good friends, aren't you?"
"Best friends, I guess. Even with the sex and stuff." He put his head in his hands. "Shit."
"You're a very remarkable young man," Jiang said.
"No, I'm nothing special."
Jiang cocked a eyebrow at him, and his eye shone bright and black, like a bird. "I think you're wrong about that. Your friend is lucky to have found you." He slapped Gojyo's thigh and rose in one smooth movement. "Cheer up! Let's get drunk."
"Wait—"
But Jiang had turned and was striding away. Gojyo followed, scuffing up the neatly raked gravel with his boots. "What is it with you monks and your bad habits? You're not secretly a sanzo, are you?"
"Ahaha. I wish."
Gojyo lay awake, wondering where Hakkai was. Goku and Sanzo hadn't said anything about him sloping off to Hakkai's room. Jiang didn't seem to give a shit that sex was happening under his holy roof, on his holy mattress. Maybe he should pull back, stop letting this happen. It'd be for the best, when Hakkai changed back.
Hakkai slid into bed with him hours later and wound an arm round his waist.
"Hey," Gojyo mumbled. Hakkai's hands and feet were cold. "You okay?"
"Yes, Gojyo," Hakkai murmured, sounding dog tired, and Gojyo felt cool fingers stroking his hair from his forehead. "You should go back to sleep."
"Nah, I can stay awake." He tried to open his eyes, and saw Hakkai up close, skin glimmering in the light. "Have you been with her all this time?"
"Yes. She's very interesting." Hakkai slid an arm round his waist and laid her head on his shoulder, warm and trusting. "Did you know that she created the protective circle using her own urine?"
"That's seriously disgusting," Gojyo said, but his eyes sank shut again, against his will. He held Hakkai close, and slept.
They stayed two more days, just like Hakkai asked for. Gojyo's plan to cool things down worked really badly. Hakkai's naked body next to his was impossible not to touch, or even when it was dressed; long slender legs, high rounded breasts and the flare of hip that riveted all his attention when she was in the room. They played cards and ate and played stupid games with Goku, sitting under the cherry trees, which became their favourite place. Sanzo smoked almost continually, when he wasn't sleeping in the shade. Hakkai laughed a lot and didn't call him Gonou again. It was the best time, but it was weird how he missed Hakkai, even though Hakkai was right there with him.
A couple of mornings later, that all changed.
"Hello, Gojyo," Hakkai said. It wasn't her voice. Her face was gone, along with her small shoulders and her breasts and the dip of her waist. Under the thin sheets, Hakkai's body was long and angular, sharp bones and long muscles. His eyes seemed infinitely sad, the curve of his mouth turned down.
"Oh," Gojyo managed, swimming up from sleep. He remembered her in the curve of his arm last night, so close and warm. Now there were inches of cold sheet between them, no touching, just like when they'd shared a bed before. Two guys. "You're here."
"I never went away," Hakkai said, his voice painfully light.
The moment hung between them. Gojyo found it hard to look away, tracing the lines of Hakkai's face with his eyes, the longer jaw and nose, less full mouth. His eyes were the same though, exactly, to every fleck and lash.
"This is awkward," Hakkai said. "I'm sorry."
"It is kinda weird, yeah."
Neither of them moved. "Sanzo will want to be underway, then," Hakkai said.
"Do you—Uh. Feel okay and stuff?"
"Not really, no," Hakkai said. He got out of bed, naked, like it didn't matter if Gojyo saw him like that, the whole of Hakkai's naked body, his dick and everything. He looked away fast, even though he had an urge to stare more.
Gojyo'd been inside her last night, going slow and deep until they'd both been shaking. They hadn't talked much. Maybe Hakkai thought there was nothing to say. He watched the curve of Hakkai's spine as he stooped to gather his clothes—his guy clothes—from his bag. Gojyo got a brief glimpse of his cock too, and his balls. Hakkai glanced over his shoulder.
Gojyo looked away, feeling ashamed now for looking. "Better get dressed," he said, pointlessly, then was unable to get out of bed until Hakkai had put on his clothes and had left the room. He gave Gojyo a bland smile.
Gojyo didn't bother washing, just flung on his clothes and packed his things up. He packed Hakkai's stuff too, folding the sweater and skirt as neat as he could and putting them in the bottom of Hakkai's bag along with the shoes and underwear. He was down at breakfast before Hakkai, who seemed to take a long time in the bathroom. Maybe getting used to his man parts.
"Well?" Sanzo said, as Gojyo sat down.
"Well what?"
He scowled. Maybe that was enough for Sanzo, because Sanzo gave a twisted little smile and said: "I take it we're leaving this morning?"
"Yeah," Gojyo said. "Everything's back to normal."
"So Hakkai's got his, um… " said Goku.
"Uh huh," Gojyo said, not wanting to have this conversation, ever. He lit a cigarette and avoided their eyes, tasting the smoke with relief. It gave him something else to focus on, rather than the two sets of sharp eyes that were currently fixed on him.
"Good," Sanzo said, when Hakkai came in. "The girl thing was starting to creep me out."
"Well, at least you weren't the one with the vagina," Hakkai said, sitting down next to Gojyo. "Otherwise things might've been far worse."
"…Shut up."
Gojyo couldn't help a snort of laughter, and Goku giggled behind his hand.
"It's for the best I'm back to normal, then," Hakkai went on
There was some silence. Goku was clearly thinking of something to say. Hakkai ignored them all and picked at the bland rice and vegetables that the monks thought made a good breakfast. He fed at least half of it to Hakuryuu, who was gazing up at him in an adoring sort of way.
"I thought you made a pretty girl, Hakkai," said Goku, quietly. "An' a kind one too."
Hakkai's gaze softened and he smiled down into his bowl. "Well, thank you."
They carried their things out to the car after breakfast. The sun shone, hot and full already. The gardens looked shady and peaceful and enticing. He saw Hakkai glancing at them more than once.
"It'd be good to spend a few more days here," Gojyo said.
"No," Hakkai said. "We should enjoy what we had and move on."
Their eyes met. "We haven't got any choice anyhow," he said, acting like he didn't get it.
Hakkai gave him a small genuine smile that made Gojyo glow, despite everything. "No, we certainly do not."
Jiang and Singing Tree came to sat goodbye. Singing Tree let out a squawk when she saw Hakkai, and clapped him hard on the shoulder.
"You're still a babe, even with your dick back," she said, leering as Hakkai's eyes widened.
"Singing Tree," Jiang said, under his breath. "Don't make them glad to leave."
"Ah. Thank you for the compliment."
"Mm," she said, staring at him. "Did you pick up the urine potion instructions?"
"Yes, thank you ma'am," Hakkai said.
"The what?" Sanzo said. He was already in the front seat, settled in and stoking up his impatient glare.
"Oh, nothing," Hakkai said.
Jiang took Gojyo's hand and clasped it. "Bring your friends back this way, if you get a chance."
Gojyo wasn't used to decent old priests smiling at him and being friendly. It was a nice change. "Yeah, sure, if we get a chance. Thanks for everything."
Chao was standing at the gates, watching as they drove by.
"Don't stop," Sanzo said, but Hakkai slowed and killed Hakuryuu's engine anyway.
"Thank you," Hakkai said, looking up into Chao's face. He didn't say what for, or anything. Chao blushed.
"I'm glad to have met you," Chao said. "I wish you well."
He stood looking after them for a long time. Gojyo knew, because he checked. Then he forced himself to turn around and concentrate on the road ahead. Hakkai's dark hair fluttered in the breeze, still in its cute girly haircut. It was hardly different from his normal one, really. It was oddly shocking to see him there. It was a good feeling, Gojyo thought.
"Do we know where we're going?" Hakkai said.
"No," Gojyo said. "Do we ever?"
Hakkai laughed. Gojyo had an urge to put his arms round him and hold on.
"West, morons," said Sanzo. "It's not difficult."
Gojyo slumped in the back and bickered with Goku to pass the time, until they'd worn each other out. Hakkai drove fast and recklessly.
"Are you trying to kill us?" Sanzo asked in a peevish voice. "Slow down."
Hakkai did, minutely, and he smiled widely. "Sorry. I'm simply enjoying being back in the saddle, so to speak."
Sanzo didn't say anything else. Gojyo watched the back of Hakkai's head. He had wide shoulders, although it was easy not to notice them. There wasn't anything soft and girlish about him, only hard angles like the sharp bones of his wrist as he wrenched Hakuryuu's gear stick forward, and long smooth play of muscles and tendons.
They had to stop on the way and fight a youkai hoard with bad dress sense, which was predictable. It was a bit less predictable that Hakkai got his chi out and blasted them all to shit instantly.
Sanzo lowered his gun, looking slightly pale.
"I've been feeling somewhat pent up," Hakkai told them, cheerfully.
"Um," said Goku.
"It's better out than in," Hakkai went on.
"Not in every case," Sanzo said, and stomped back to the car. "Although that was efficient."
Twelve hours later, dust stained and with a sore ass, Gojyo climbed out of the car and trooped with the others into the inn they'd found. He stood dumbly as Hakkai signed them up to share a room, just like normal. He didn't know exactly what that word meant anymore. It was possible he hadn't ever known.
"They'll bring food to the rooms," Hakkai said.
"Whatever," said Sanzo. He seemed almost asleep on his feet, and Goku was hovering, as if waiting to catch him.
They ate together in Sanzo and Goku's room, everyone just chowing down, all subdued and quiet. The bathhouse was small so they took turns. Hakkai somehow managed to go first, as always, but Gojyo didn't mind. It gave him a chance to lie on the bed they'd be sharing and freak out quietly with a cigarette. It wasn't like Hakkai was expecting things to… go on. He'd said as much, and that they should move on.
He tried not to think about the future too hard, but it mostly had Hakkai in it, sometimes still on the fucking journey as old men, sometimes back in his little house, or even a better house. Sometimes, obviously, they'd be dead and gone, people walking on the grass over their heads, never even remembering them. Shit, whatever. The ceiling had a crack shaped like a bit like a vagina. He stared at that instead until Hakkai came back in.
"There's still hot water, Gojyo."
"Can't be bothered to wash."
Hakkai began to fold his clothes. He was barelegged and in his old baggy t-shirt, the one he'd bought from a market stall in Chang'An, maybe the first week they were living together. Gojyo'd lent him the money. No, given him the money. He smiled in Gojyo's direction, gaze sliding away to not quite meet Gojyo's eyes.
"You should wash, please," Hakkai said. "If we're to be sleeping in close quarters."
"Right."
The water was cool, because Sanzo had got there before him. Gojyo washed the dust out of his hair and felt it sluicing off his skin, and thought about sleeping together in 'close quarters'.
Hakkai was all tucked up in bed when he got back. He'd switched the light off too, so Gojyo dumped his clothes and towel on the floor and groped his way to the bed. The open window let in cool night scents, dark and damp. Hakkai didn't say anything when Gojyo slid under the covers, and Gojyo didn't even begin to try. They lay quietly, until Gojyo relaxed enough to be able to sleep. It came quickly and with no dreams.
He woke in the middle of the night to find Hakkai all tangled up in his arms, pressed tight to Gojyo's front. His breathing was slow and heavy, his face pressed to Gojyo's bare chest like he wanted to hide there.
"Hey," Gojyo said, very quietly. Hakkai didn't move or respond in any way. He must be asleep. Gojyo didn't say anything else. Hakkai's hair was soft under his fingers, and the skin of his temple was warm and smooth against Gojyo's mouth, the three limiters on his ear as warm as skin.
He let himself touch, eyes closed tight, palms skimming over Hakkai's shoulder and back. Slowly, slowly down to his waist as Hakkai lay heavy and sleeping. I fucked you, he thought, and you loved it. A night ago, Hakkai had got down on his knees and sucked on his dick, and moaned all the way through it.
He was getting hard, just thinking about that. Hakkai's hips were tilted towards him, sort of invitingly, and one of his thighs was pressing against Gojyo's. It wasn't that different after all, for Gojyo. He stared into the dark with a dry mouth and saw a different future.
He wondered wildly, blindly if he could shake Hakkai awake and ask if he wanted to suck Gojyo's dick. Instead he inched backwards and lay breathing too fast, his mouth and nose filled with Hakkai's scent, his dick hard, aching to sink it into something hot and tight and wet and…
"Gojyo?" Hakkai said, his voice so heavy and vague he must still be mostly asleep. His fingers dug into Gojyo's arm.
"It's okay," Gojyo whispered, heart thumping. "It's okay. Go back to sleep."
"Mmh," Hakkai said, and pushed his nose back against Gojyo's skin.
There was no time in the morning to even think about sex. They were spilled out of bed by an attack on the inn.
"I should've created a copy of Singing Tree's protective potion," Hakkai said, sending three youkai several metres into the air with a blast of chi. He looked well rested and bright eyed. Gojyo felt like crap.
"Not the one with the piss in it?" Gojyo said.
"That's disgusting," Sanzo said, pausing with his gun drooping and his mouth open slightly.
"And yet so effective," said Hakkai, smiling.
As they raced west, later that day, Gojyo had plenty of time to think about Singing Tree and Hakkai and Jiang. He had plenty of time to think about everything, which sucked because it was making his brain hurt.
He noticed Goku watching him now and then, which made him jumpy. Seeing those soft golden eyes on him made him shiver, a little. When he narrowed them like that, he looked too like Sanzo for comfort.
"What?" he said, by late afternoon.
"Nothin'," the monkey said. "I'm glad Hakkai's back to normal, that's all."
"Yeah. Yeah, me too."
He thought about that a lot too. "I'm glad you're you again," he said, much later, into the dark. Hakkai was close by, breathing slowly.
There was what seemed like a depthless silence for a long time. "You don't miss—her?"
Gojyo's heart began to thump. "I dunno. Maybe. A little. It was still you though." He paused, and turned on his side, wondering truly what it could've been like for Hakkai, seeing her in the mirror every day. He could feel Hakkai's body heat and the stirring of his breath. "Do you miss her?"
He'd never asked Hakkai anything like that. But then, they'd never had sex before now, or slept all curled up together and half naked.
"Yes, often," Hakkai said. His voice was soft and flat, almost muffled by the pillow. It was very close to Gojyo. "It can't be helped though."
"No, right." He almost said it then, almost said: "Do you want me?" But Hakkai didn't speak again and Gojyo was tired right down to his bones, too tired even to worry.
He dreamed about being back home, being a kid again. There were arms around him, strong and tight, not a woman's arms but more like Jien. The ozone zing of youkai power, the scent of damp wood and dusty corners. Someone was murmuring, somewhere, and the arms were getting tighter.
Gojyo pulled himself up from sleep. Hakkai was pressed up close, lying almost nose to nose. He had his arms round Gojyo's waist and he was deeply asleep. He was also hard, Gojyo could feel it all against the top of his thigh. He was rocking slightly; in whatever dreams he was having something good was clearly happening. Gojyo swore very quietly to himself.
"Hey, Hakkai."
He said it quiet though, and more because he thought he should than because he wanted Hakkai to let go, and how weird was that to admit to himself? He let Hakkai wind closer, warm and heavy and feeling good, until Hakkai's hard-on faded away and he moved into some other dream. Gojyo sighed and was mostly glad, because it meant he could sleep and not fixate on all the sex they weren't having now.
Hakkai looked sleepy and sexy the next morning, stretching out next to Gojyo for several minutes, nothing touching now but their toes, and then only briefly.
"Good morning, Gojyo," Hakkai said, and gazed at him with soft dreamy eyes. "Did you sleep well?"
"Uhm." He decided to tell as much of the truth as he dared. "No. Pretty bad."
Hakkai looked at him. They lay still and quiet, listening to the birds cheeping and the rattle of shutters as the inn opened up.
"We should get to a big town today," Hakkai said, touching his shoulder. "We need to do some shopping."
Through the walls, Sanzo's voice could be heard and then Goku's louder talking, then a yell.
"It's time we were up," Hakkai sighed, sliding his fingers down Gojyo's arm as if he weren't even aware he was doing it, and he was gone, up and out and to the bathroom.
Gojyo dressed and went downstairs. Goku was eating his way through what looked like five breakfasts. Gojyo wondered for about the millionth time how big his stomach must be to fit it all in, some sort of stomach version of a bottomless pit.
"What's wrong?" Goku said.
"Nothing," said Gojyo.
"You look like crap."
"Well, thanks so much. Can't you eat with your mouth closed for once?"
"No," said Goku. "I can't."
Sanzo rattled his newspaper. Hakkai joined them shortly afterwards. He wiped up the table and poured Gojyo and Sanzo's coffee from the pot that sat steaming in front of them. There was a pretty waitress hanging about near the kitchen door, looking over. She smiled when she saw Gojyo looking. Hakkai had his head down, eating slowly. Gojyo could wave back, or wink or smile or whatever, even go over. He could do any of those things, if he wanted. He didn't, though.
They reached the big town at lunchtime. It was thriving, which was good to see. Goku, through a process of continual grinding down, got Sanzo to take him to a restaurant that was offering two for one on duck. People got out their way, nodding and bowing as Sanzo ignored every single one of them.
Gojyo carried the shopping, like he always did, following after Hakkai's apparently random progress through the town and the market as he exclaimed over the price of various things.
"These look nice, don't you think, Gojyo?" Hakkai said.
He leaned against Gojyo's shoulder as he picked out plums and fresh blushing apricots, and when Gojyo took the bags from him, his long fingers brushed over Gojyo's palm, spidery and cool just like Singing Tree's fingers had felt that first time he'd met her.
After the shopping, they wandered together, not talking. Hakkai's shoulder touched his as they walked. They wandered along odd little streets paved with dusty stones, a small butcher's shop that was also someone's house, a gang of children squealing through a game of tag, just normal life. They stopped next to a stone shrine that stood in a small dusty courtyard. Looking up, Gojyo saw the towering white clouds that sailed across the sky.
"Would you change back," Gojyo asked. "If you could?"
Hakkai leaned next to him, so their elbows touched. "No," he said. "It's something best left in the past."
"Like Kanan," Gojyo said.
"I don't think I've ever heard you say her name before."
Gojyo turned to him and was sure everything was written plain across his face.
Hakkai stared right back, his eyes a hard and brilliant green. His mouth was open and ready when Gojyo pressed his own to it. He closed his fists in the front of Hakkai's shirt and held on, keeping them mouth to mouth, partly because he was half scared Hakkai might just run and then everything would be fucked.
He'd never kissed a man before, technically. He was panting when they pulled apart. Sanzo and Goku were standing at the entrance to the square, watching them. Sanzo gave them a long accusing look and turned on his heel, and Goku followed, looking back over his shoulder with an open mouth.
"Shit," Gojyo said, bending to catch his breath. His heart was hammering, but at least seeing those two was a useful erection-deflating service. "Shit."
Hakkai stepped back, almost stumbling, and dragged his hand over his mouth. "Gojyo."
"Yeah?" Gojyo's palms tingled with sweat.
"This is awkward, isn't it?"
"You're good at understatement."
"Sorry."
He caught Hakkai's soft direct smile and was reminded of four years ago, when they weren't talking much. He had to smile back, more out of a sense of relief than anything else.
"Hey, don't be. But yeah. It kinda is."
"We should catch them up before Sanzo gets beyond any control. I need him to urinate into a bucket, so a good mood would be best."
"Have you gone nuts?"
"No," said Hakkai, very seriously. "It's for Singing Tree's potion."
"I'm not sure I even wanna be protected by Sanzo's piss!"
Hakkai shook his head. "You'll appreciate it later. Will you bring those shopping bags?"
"Yeah, of course." Just like none of that hot kissing had ever happened.
They played mahjong that night, in Gojyo and Hakkai's room, with Sanzo stonily quiet and Goku too loud. The inn's set was chipped bone painted with red and black and splotched with yellow and green for the flower tiles. Sanzo's silence was the best thing ever right now. Except that Goku kept giving him these long level looks that freaked him the hell out, like Goku had suddenly grown about ten years older and knew everything about everything, including the thoughts in Gojyo's head as he stared at his tiles.
Hakkai was playing to lose, Gojyo noticed, which meant he wanted the game over. Which meant that he wanted to go to bed. It waited over by the wall, with sheets neatly turned back and two pillows side by side. His thoughts jumped about like a scared rabbit, picturing them in it and what might happen.
Yeah, and he could worry about it forever and miss out on enjoying his beer and the relative peace of Sanzo not shouting at them.
"Stop starin' at me, Goku."
"I'm not!"
"It's because you've got cigarette ash all over your cheek," Hakkai said.
"…Oh."
Goku laughed in a really annoying way.
"Let me—" Hakkai reached over and rubbed it off with his thumb. The air went out of Gojyo's lungs.
Your game's for shit tonight, Hakkai," he said, when he could speak again.
"You only say that because you're losing too," Hakkai said, smiling.
Goku clicked his tiles down, and down the hall someone slammed a door.
"You're both playing to lose," Sanzo said, giving them a sharp purple glare.
"What do you mean by that?" Hakkai said, smiling.
"Nothing but the truth," Sanzo said. He pushed away from the table and stood. "Goku, come on," he ordered. Sanzo's bare feet had dirty black soles, Gojyo noticed. He was seeing all sorts of things he hadn't noticed before.
Hakkai went over to close the door properly, then came towards him. They stood for a moment under the bare bulb. The bright glare cast shadows down across Hakkai's face, bathing him in light. His t-shirt was caught on one side in the waistband of his jeans, and he was barefoot too, only his feet were clean and roughly four sizes bigger than his feet had been as a girl. Hakkai was right there, solid and real and a guy, looking half scared, his pupils blown out and huge.
"Gojyo."
"It's okay," Gojyo said softly, and he caught the back of Hakkai's neck in his hand and kissed him.
He could be smooth and steady when he wanted, sometimes. Not as much as he liked to think he was. Not now though, and that was faintly embarrassing, only he was too busy getting pushed back towards the bed to care. The mattress was soft and Hakkai was a heavy weight on top of him, far heavier than any girl. Hakkai's breathing was fast and shallow and he kissed Gojyo like he couldn't get deep enough inside, their mouths stretching wide and open. Hakkai pulled his own glasses off and dropped them on the floor.
"I'll pick them up later," he said, like Gojyo gave a shit.
They undressed cautiously, two buttons here, a shoved up t-shirt, Gojyo's jeans eased down slowly over his hips until Hakkai could slip his hand inside and press his face to Gojyo's shoulder, exploring with his fingers. Gojyo just clung on, until he realised his nails must be sinking into Hakkai's skin.
He could barely concentrate on the feeling of Hakkai's hand on him, just because it was Hakkai and it was just the two of them and no one else, no weird spells, no vaginas, just him and Hakkai, having sex. He bit his lip and whimpered, feeling the tickle of Hakkai's hair on his cheek and the way his belt buckle was digging into Gojyo's stomach. Hakkai groaned into his shoulder and took hold of his cock in a grip that was definitely—oh, yeah. Male. Good. Tight and clever, Hakkai's fingers playing with his foreskin and rubbing around the edge of the head. Because he probably remembered that Gojyo liked that, from last time.
Because they'd had sex already. This was still Hakkai, still her. Still him. The same person.
"Oh, holy fuck," Gojyo breathed and wrapped both arms tight around Hakkai's neck. "I want you so fucking much."
Hakkai pulled back, wobbling on an unsteady arm. His lips were red against his skin and a little bit wet. He craned his head to look down between their bodies, at his own fist working slowly around Gojyo's dick. Gojyo pushed aside Hakkai's sagging t-shirt to let him have a better view. Hakkai breathed hard. He rubbed his thumb almost thoughtfully over the head of Gojyo's cock, spreading the few drops of liquid that had leaked already.
"It's odd," Hakkai said, in a perfectly level tone. "I'm just as attracted to you now I'm like this."
"Did it—" Gojyo paused and tried to get his words in the right order, still watching Hakkai's hand and the way Hakkai's cock made a long hard line in the front of his jeans. "Did being a chick make you… horny for guys?"
"I don't know," he said, propping himself on one hand to stare down at Gojyo. He looked so pretty and familiar, puzzling out a problem. "Perhaps it was always there."
Gojyo hooked two thumbs in his jeans and slid them down further to bare his thighs. Hakkai made a sound under his breath and stopped talking, which made Gojyo happy. If they talked, Gojyo might have to say stuff about himself too. Feelings and shit. Hakkai might want that, having been a girl, even for a week.
Instead Hakkai bent his neck and kissed him, his lips soft and cool, his hand still moving. Gojyo slid both hands into Hakkai's hair, loving the silkiness of it, cupping his jaw to angle his mouth. Hakkai moaned and then he moved, straddling Gojyo's hips, his free hand pulling at the fastenings of his jeans. Their hands met in tangle of fingers and he heard Hakkai's faint high-pitched giggle, sort of on the edge of panic.
"Let me, come on," Gojyo said, his fingers slipping on the difficult top button of Hakkai's ancient pale jeans. His voice came out funny, like he was half strangling on something. He didn't recall them having half this trouble when Hakkai was a woman. He had to close his eyes briefly at the thought. It wasn't like Gojyo had an average life, not really, but why did it have to be so weird?
He got the zip open and just looked for a moment; at Hakkai's long trailing scar, the way his underwear was stretched over his cock, the thin trail of hair that led upwards, disturbed by scar tissue.
"Oh," Gojyo said, very softly. He wanted to kiss it, maybe make it all better. It hadn't been there on Hakkai's stomach before, when he was a girl.
"I know," Hakkai said. "Singing Tree said it was part of the spell. It began as a healing spell, she said. Before she modified it."
"Damn," Gojyo said. "Can I—Do you mind?"
"I don't know," Hakkai said, shakily.
Gojyo touched it, running his fingers along the ridged edge, the unnatural smoothness. Hakkai's stomach muscles jumped under his fingers and a small dark stain spread across his white underwear, where it was pulled taut by the head of Hakkai's cock. Gojyo'd seen that particular pair hanging up to dry in countless hotel rooms, on the back of chairs. He'd never seen them quite like this, although he supposed Hakkai must've got hard hundreds of times, just like any guy, just randomly sitting around being bored, thinking about hot sex. Did Hakkai even think about sex, like normal guys?
He bit his lip and ran his palm along the length of Hakkai's shaft, feeling the heat through worn cotton, feeling the size, damn.
"Is that good?" Gojyo said.
"Yes," Hakkai whispered, staring down at where Gojyo was touching.
He wanted to make Hakkai sound like that again. He worked his hand into Hakkai's underwear, stretching it out, running his fingers slowly down Hakkai's stiff dick, mind blanking. His cock was burning hot, silky and perfectly smooth, apart from the faint ridges of veins and the wetness at the head. Hakkai pushed against his touch, hips moving in a sudden fluid motion, pure sex. Gojyo didn't even know he could move like that, that men could move like that. He pushed his fingers down to grope Hakkai's balls. They were tight, like Hakkai was ready to pop.
Hakkai made a needy little sound and did that thing with his hips again, so that his cock rubbed up hard against the inside of Gojyo's wrist, leaving a warm sticky smear on his skin. Hakkai's eyes were heavy, lashes fluttering, and his mouth was slack as he stared down, his neck bent to watch Gojyo's hand as it curled around his shaft.
"Oh, your hands," Hakkai muttered, and he thrust up into Gojyo grip, real hard, and then Gojyo got a clue about how Hakkai might look when he was actually fucking. Fucking Gojyo.
His mind blanked again, thoughts sliding away to places he didn't want them to go, and he just stared as Hakkai worked himself in and out of Gojyo's grip, fucking his hand with tight hungry movements.
"Nnh, yes," and there was a growl in there, a low noise in Hakkai's throat like an animal. Wild. Gojyo's heartbeat just about doubled then and he shook his head, half panicking at the thought of what he wanted.
Hakkai squirmed back a little and took hold of Gojyo's cock again. They both whined. What he wanted… He wanted Hakkai like this, maybe had done for a long time without properly knowing it.
"Closer," he said. "Here." He caught Hakkai by the upper arm and pulled him down. Hakkai kissed him, taking over, pushing him down into the pillow with the force of it, sucking on Gojyo's tongue and his lip, moving down to bite at the front of his throat. His teeth were sharp and his kisses and bites there were ravenous, in a way Hakkai never seemed to be for food. Gojyo arched his neck back, eyes wide with shock.
He could hardly keep his hand moving steadily, but they were both breathing hard, bodies tensing. He felt the flex in the muscles of Hakkai's thighs, gripping him as Gojyo jerked him harder and faster. Hakkai was slick, pulsing in Gojyo's palm as Gojyo ran his fingers tight around the head, pinching a little, rubbing over the tiny mouth, pressing down along the underside. Hakkai came with no warning except the tensing of his muscles and a long indrawn shaking breath, like he was trying to inhale Gojyo's scent right from his skin. He moved his mouth to press down over Gojyo's as he spurted over Gojyo's fingers and lower stomach.
"Sorry," Hakkai mumbled. "I'm sorry."
Hakkai's voice was rough and thick and it made Gojyo want to squirm. Hakkai was still touching him, long fingers loosely clasped around his cock.
"Shit," Gojyo whispered. "Don't stop."
"I won't."
It was crazy to get hot over just a voice. Hakkai sat back, jeans loose and sagging, cock softening. Gojyo felt his skin heat just looking at it and the stripes of Hakkai's come drying on his skin. The light from the bare bulb flowed down onto them and there really was nowhere to hide as Hakkai stroked him fast and hard and skillfully, sitting right back on Gojyo's thighs with Gojyo's dick in his hand, looking almost like he was jerking himself off.
Something crashed through Gojyo at that moment; need, the thought of Hakkai doing that to himself while Gojyo watched, the hot sweaty grip that Hakkai knew how to use just right. This was Hakkai and they were really doing this, for real. He tried to spread his thighs, arching his hips up, reaching and aching for it as his orgasm began to wash through him. He groped for Hakkai's other hand and their fingers twisted together. Hakkai leaned over him, watching as Gojyo came.
"You look so different this way," Hakkai said, planting soft kisses on his mouth as Gojyo shook and moaned. "I like it."
"I like it too."
They were still holding hands, which Gojyo might feel embarrassed about later. Right now he only felt shaky and exhausted. Hakkai moved carefully off him, then stood. Gojyo watched him undress neatly, down to his underwear.
"Should I switch the light off?" Hakkai said.
"Yeah."
Gojyo got all of the way out of his jeans in the dark, and slid under the covers. He heard the soft scuff of Hakkai's bare feet, then the dip of the mattress and then Hakkai lying down next to him, careful and controlled. He shifted close to Gojyo, then stopped as if he weren't sure anymore that he should touch, which was all back to front.
"You can—If you like," Gojyo said.
Hakkai moved closer, and Gojyo felt a kiss on his shoulder and the brush of soft hair, the soft touch of fingers stroking his chest as he drifted to sleep.
His dreams were tangled and annoying, except Hakkai was always there with him so things didn't feel so bad. Singing Tree was laughing at him while Goku kept asking if he preferred mangoes or cucumbers, and what was the difference? Jien couldn't explain and neither could his mom, but he didn't want her to.
He woke up lying on his back with sheets twisted around his waist. Hakkai was lying on his side, his head on the pillow, watching him. There was a red patch on his throat—a bite that Gojyo remembered sucking into existence. He blushed at the memory.
Shit. They'd really done it.
He guessed the shock must've shown on his face because Hakkai sat up quite quickly and slipped out of bed, dressed in his baggy t-shirt and underwear. His legs poked out, long and pale, dark hair giving them a shadow. His feet had a high strong arch. Narrow hips, the bulge of his cock and balls, straight back… Definitely definitely a guy. He got a sudden and vivid picture of Jien—Dokugakuji—laughing his guts out.
"Shut it, loser," he muttered.
"I'm sorry?" Hakkai said, looking over his shoulder with a worried expression.
"Talking to myself," Gojyo said.
"Oh. We're heading into the mountains today," Hakkai said, gathering up his towel and washbag from where they were laid out, waiting. "I think we need extra clothes, it's going to be cold."
"Okay, whatever. As long as I get coffee."
"As long as you don't become over-caffienated," Hakkai said. "It's bad for your heart."
Gojyo slid out of bed, his stomach crusted embarrassingly with dried spunk. He scratched at it and watched it flake off. Bad for his heart. He grinned.
"I'm gonna have a wash," he said.
"That's a good idea," Hakkai said, in a distracted voice. Gojyo looked up to find Hakkai watching him, attention fixed on Gojyo's fingers. "I'll come with you."
"Right."
It wasn't any different from their normal routine, except that usually he wasn't so aware of Hakkai walking right next to him. In the bathroom, they stood side by side at the sink. Hakkai took out a small glittery hairclip and fixed his hair back from his face.
"Um," Gojyo said, meeting his eyes in the mirror. "That's chick stuff."
"It's useful," Hakkai said. He squeezed toothpaste onto his brush and his gaze slid away. "Think of it as memorabilia."
Gojyo rinsed his shaving razor under the hot water tap, then leaned on the sink. "I don't think I'm ever gonna forget it," he said.
Hakkai brushed his teeth and rinsed. "Well, no. Nor am I." He smiled. "I kept the clothes too," he said.
Gojyo paused in his shaving. "Is that. Um. Why?"
"Singing Tree seems an unpredictable sort. It's better to be prepared."
"Do you really think she'll do it again?"
Hakkai swilled out the sink with cold water, running his hand absently around the bowl. "No," he said, finally. "No, I don't."
"It's not a problem," Gojyo said, meeting his eyes in the mirror.
Hakkai dipped his head, but he didn't look away. He smiled, taking up his towel and the bar of soap, and went into the shower. Be prepared. Gojyo stared at his own reflection. There were blue rings under his eyes. He remembered the first time he'd seen Hakkai in that damned skirt, looking fine. But that wasn't who Hakkai was. That was someone else.
He was still leaning against the sink when Hakkai came out, dripping water from the tips of his hair.
"Come over here," Gojyo said, and Hakkai came, trotting over with a curious look, like there was no option but to do what Gojyo asked. Just that on its own gave Gojyo a warmth in the pit of his stomach; he liked it a lot.
"What is it, Gojyo?"
Gojyo put a hand on Hakkai's shoulder, which was damp from the shower still, and then kissed him. He tasted of mint toothpaste and of himself. Hakkai moaned instantly and leaned into him, pressing against Gojyo's body. After a little while, Gojyo eased back and tried to speak. He managed it on the second try.
"Have we got, like, a plan?"
"A plan?" Hakkai sounded distracted.
"You know, for—this thing. Us. Whatever."
"Looking at things pragmatically, we could continue sleeping together," Hakkai said. His hand curled softly into the nape of Gojyo's neck, stroking.
"What?"
"If it's convenient," Hakkai said. "I've been thinking."
"Um, all night?"
"No," said Hakkai, frowning. "Only part of it."
Gojyo nodded, possibly for longer than he needed to. "Is there even that much to think about?" he said.
It must've been the right thing to say, because Hakkai smiled and shook his head.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-10-01 01:56 pm (UTC)just a way to open up things.
they are good together, in any form.
thank you.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-01 03:04 pm (UTC)But I also just loved Gojyo's quiet acceptance and unconditional support... he actually is a friend to Hakkai here, more than and before he's a lover, and that's a part of their dynamic that I think isn't stressed often enough. That is, I am not dissing on the lover aspect, but it's really nice to see the two different relationships combined, and thus both of them strengthened.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-01 03:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-01 04:13 pm (UTC)also, you INCLUDED THE SPARKLY HAIR CLIPS A:LKJSDFL:HKSDGL:JK &hearts &hearts &hearts possibly my favorite picture of Hakkai and Gojyo EVER! :D in conclusion, you win at life. this was perfect.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-01 05:41 pm (UTC)Goku and Sanzo were brilliant, too, spot-on and so subtly, quietly close. The scene where they were asleep on the grass just warmed me beyond all belief.
There was a lot of feeling in this fic-- second thing I've read this morning to make me all misty-eyed. When I got to the end, my first thought was simply to go back to the beginning and start over again.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-01 05:53 pm (UTC)You are awesome. I can only thank you; more than once. This story made my day. =)
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Date: 2008-10-02 04:06 pm (UTC)I adore your characters. I mean: they live. They aren't just extra guys standing around and framing some porn.
I love Sanzo's unsureness and uneasiness around Hakkai, who isn't just Hakkai anymore but differnt. Still strange (hey, we know who we are talking about), but creepingly so. Must be this woman-thing. ;)
I also love Goku's openness and curiosity; the way he and his sun talk and disappear and re-appear holding hands (!) - this is so beyond perfect.
I won't tell you also how much I love the messed up relationship Gojyo and Hakkai share. My ability to write properly leaves my mind and typing fingers.
Thanks again. <3
:)
I remember talking abut this at Connotations last year!
Date: 2008-10-01 06:06 pm (UTC)I'll think a comment together when I *can* think again. Girl!Hakkai giving Gojyo a blow job is one of the hottest images I've had for a while. (And I love how he enjoys blowing the youkai up afterwards, and the inside out rat, and the mango v cucumber dream, and Sanzo & Goku holding hands, and, and, and.)
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Date: 2008-10-01 07:54 pm (UTC)Lately I haven't been reading as much Saiyuki fic as I once did, but this has reminded me again both why I like these guys and this pairing so much. Perfect balance of angst and humor, and the general feeling left is just this warm, languid sense of...something.
Of the story being a thoroughly enjoyable read, perhaps. :)
I love how all the characters are there in the story, even the OC's (who are lovable, btw) and their different chemistries. Wonderful.
I...might be imagining this, but it's almost like there is a subtle shift in the mood after Hakkai's "curse" has ended, and the start moving again, like things begin to feel slightly more real. Which is not to say they weren't in the time theu spent at the monastery, merely that there seems to be a certain dreamy quality there. Really, I don't know ^_^;.
Thank you.
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Date: 2008-10-01 09:32 pm (UTC)The characters were so dead-on, and the balance between the humor (Sanzo and the tea! bwee!) and the angst was perfect. And Jiang! He was really great, too.
I could go on and on about how much awesome there is in here, but I won't. Just know that I'm thinking it. Thank you so much for sharing this.
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Date: 2008-10-01 10:26 pm (UTC)I love genderfuck when it is this well done. Hakkai, for one, is incredible - his completely messed-up psyche, his entirely dysfunctional and entirely *Hakkai* reaction to turning into what he can't help but interpret as his own sister, how he is so entirely himself... and yet not.
Your Gojyo is even better, imo. Crude and sweet and a horribly nice guy and so in love right from the start. :-) I love that Jiang sees something special in him and that Gojyo was entire nonplussed by this. I love how Gojyo interacts with Goku, how he inevitably and inextricably tangles himself up in emotions that were really there all along, how he's such a *gentleman* in his own way and never even notices. :-)
Goku and Sanzo are great here too, especially Goku. Plus, the story's just wonderully written - the beginning with the reveal of just how this happened was very very nice. *g*
Enough semi-coherent rambling. Have to get on with RL now...
Thank you very much for sharing!
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Date: 2008-10-01 10:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-02 02:16 am (UTC)Aaaah, the Kanan echoes were killer. Especially Hakkai's private little roleplay in the middle of sex with Gojyo (*g* --I'm torn between admiration for this clever twist and, you know, agony at Hakkai's pain. T__T♥♥ Damn.) Aaah, there is so much to mull over here, I love it!
And I loved Gojyo wrestling with his own ingrained gender biases. And how he's so bowled over by Hakkai's transformation--though Hakkai leans into his new role so completely (heels, skirt, makeup, haircut) that I can see why Gojyo would have a tough time seeing past the femininity.
(lol, and it amused me that Gojyo gets all the blame for this whole situation coming about and he just takes it. XD; Oh, Gojyo.)
Also, is there a thread of Sanzo-Goku? :D♥ Because I love how Goku's always watching Gojyo, and part of me thinks it's because (among other things, perhaps, such as simple, thoughtful curiosity) he's looking for a role model for male/male romantic love?
Aaah, I had many more thoughts but I've lost them and am incoherent. Mostly I just want to say that I really loved this! XD It's fascinating and HOT and well-done, with so many thoughtful details. Much love! ♥
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Date: 2008-10-02 04:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-02 02:55 pm (UTC)I kind of wish Singing Tree would come and cast a man-curse on me. Though she would probably just laugh at me and say I'm better off like this. ^^'
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Date: 2008-10-02 03:53 pm (UTC)And gojyo is always adorable! Goku was also priceless. 'Sanzo warned me about monks...'
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Date: 2008-10-02 06:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-02 07:50 pm (UTC)Plus, of course...
"Good," Sanzo said, when Hakkai came in. "The girl thing was starting to creep me out."
"Well, at least you weren't the one with the vagina," Hakkai said, sitting down next to Gojyo. "Otherwise things might've been far worse."
You know you have to go for the trilogy, don't you? ^_^
Brought back happy Connotations memories for me, too. Have a great time this year - wish we could all be together again. Squee for all of us!
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Date: 2008-10-02 08:21 pm (UTC)This was easily the best girl!Hakkai story I've read. Thank you so much for sharing it.
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Date: 2008-10-02 08:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-03 02:46 am (UTC)I have a little stack of fic that I downloaded to be able to read in case of computer/Intarwebs issues.
This is going to join the stack.
I love Gojyo's patience and decency about the whole thing - including giving in when girl-Hakkai was aching for him. The whole business with the rat seemed somehow so very real, and his/her reactions, which I don't think Gojyo fully understood (I'm sure the main thing going through Hakkai's mind was "Dear gods in heaven, what if I'd done that to Gojyo's head?"), felt very, very right.
I also loved the fact that you turned Minekura's usual uptight monastery on its head, and gave us some pleasant, decent monks for once.
And all the sex was very, very hot. And loving. And hotter because of that.
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Date: 2008-10-04 02:04 am (UTC)They were still holding hands, which Gojyo might feel embarrassed about later.
I loved that. I loved the twins, and the monastery, and the crazy things going on in Hakkai's head. So wonderful.
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Date: 2008-10-04 12:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-04 02:02 pm (UTC)Loved it. :-)
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Date: 2008-10-06 03:54 am (UTC)This was really sweet. I like the delicate touch you always manage with Gojyo and Hakkai, even where Gojyo would seem likely to (and sometimes does) act with all the delicacy of a sack of bricks. It makes them genuine and much more interesting.
On top of which, Sanzo was like an added bonus-- every time he spoke I could just see his expression and the way he holds himself. Thanks for sharing this!
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Date: 2008-10-14 02:51 pm (UTC)(another comment on The Curse)
Date: 2008-10-21 12:36 am (UTC)Just me again ... I was re-reading this because I was adding it to my Memories. You know, the scene where Hakkai wakes up and realizes that he's a guy again, and that means no more kissing/snuggling/screwing with Gojyo is one of the saddest things I've ever read.
>sniff!<
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Date: 2008-10-23 04:17 pm (UTC)I love it! I'm only stating what everyone said already but it's awesome, brilliant, funny and HOT. Too many things to love here ♥ Thank you!
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Date: 2008-10-31 06:38 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2009-11-05 12:22 am (UTC)no subject
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