Poltersmut for Mctabby
Jun. 4th, 2004 03:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
louiseluxAges ago, ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
mctabby asked for Poltersmut. Well, this is more like Poltergen, with a gratuitous reference to Snape’s genitals. Sorry, I can't help myself.
Anyway, belated Happy Birthdaymctabby!
Fascinating noises were coming from the third floor broom cupboard. Students were in there, plainly doing something illicit. Peeves lingered outside, giggling to himself, then yanked open the door with a flourish, expecting them to jump and blush at being so exposed, mid-snog.
Instead they ignored him. It was as if they just hadn't noticed him. He hung there, staring at them open-mouthed. They were utterly wrapped up in each other, so much so that the outside world didn't exist. An uncomfortable, aching sort of feeling gripped him, reminiscent of indigestion but worse. Far worse.
He sighed deeply and drifted away, then, when they showed no signs of stopping, drifted back to watch.
*
'No, I will not,' Snape said.
'I could make your life hell,' Peeves countered, bobbing up and down over a cauldron full of orange goo.
Snape narrowed his eyes. 'Just try it.' He stood up and reached for his wand.
'I love it when you're angry.'
'Leave now, before I insert that cauldron up your-- nostril. You must think I'm desperate.'
'They do say that, but I never believe what I hear in the staff room.'
'Get OUT!'
'But you might enjoy it,' Peeves said, a trifle desperately, floating to the door.
'If you think that I'm letting you anywhere near my genitalia you've another thing coming. Or not, as the case may be,' Snape said with a growl.
*
'It's my libido,’ Peeves admitted. ‘I appear to have developed one again.’
Madame Pomfrey’s eyebrows rose until they seemed to nearly reach her hairline. She was used to dealing with libidos, but they were usually human ones, although once Hagrid had asked her help him with an artificial insemination device for the blast-ended skrewts, who kept accidentally blowing each other up during mating.
‘Oh dear. That does sound awkward. Have you spoken to Professor Snape?’
‘Well, yes, but he turned me down. Between you and me, I think he’s got commitment issues.’
‘I meant, for a potion that might help, you silly creature,’ Poppy said sternly. ‘Although obviously I’m sorry it didn’t work out,’ she added. ‘Can’t you just ignore it? I expect it’ll go away of its own accord with fresh air and exercise.’ She really didn’t know what else to suggest.
Peeves gave her a scathing look and turned upside down in annoyance. ‘Yes, it might, but I can’t breath and I don’t have muscles.’
*
The other supernatural beings were making comments and sniggering amongst themselves. In typical Hogwarts fashion, word had got round fast about Peeves’s problem. He blamed Snape.
'It's all right for you lot,' he snapped at them, eventually. 'You're just chilly ectoplasm. I'm a bundle of psychic energy fuelled solely by teenage angst. How do you think that feels? You don't understand me or my problems!' He stormed out through the door, then went back and slammed it for good measure. 'I hate you all!'
*
'Peeves, I must ask you to cease rubbing yourself through the water pipes. The noises are upsetting Mrs Norris and Filch is having terrible trouble with the drains.' Dumbledore stroked his beard thoughtfully. 'Have you tried taking up a hobby? I had a similar problem as a young man, but nothing was ever quite distracting enough, although I did get rather a nice woolly hat out of it.'
He wandered away down the corridor, musing to himself on the drawbacks of knitting as a method of controlling ones sex drive.
*
Minerva McGonagall opened her door and was faced with a large bunch of red roses and a cat treat.
'Not today, thank you Peeves,' she said, then collapsed into giggles.
The roses and the cat treat dropped to the floor and the candles in the sconces flickered out. McGonagall scooped up the flowers and put them in water. The fishy smelling chew she left on her desk, for later. There was no sense in wasting it, after all.
*
Professor Binns thought it a most intriguing problem and was very keen on pursuing it further.
Peeves spent an unhappy week avoiding him, until Snape, watching Binns's advances with cruel amusement, tapped him on the shoulder and told him that actually, he was dead and technically beyond all hope of achieving an erection.
Binns shut himself in his rooms with a bottle of firewhiskey, until he realised he couldn't drink it. Then he came out and lay on the staff room carpet, weeping and forcing people to walk through him to get to the biscuits, until Filch had to come and remove him.
*
Acting on a tip from Myrtle, who was avoiding him since an incident with a fizzing whizbee and a bath tap, Peeves swept down to the lake in the overflow pipe and hovered about, wondering what to do. The unsettled feelings within him were becoming so distracting that he'd even lost interest in taunting innocent students. It was awful.
The water rippled ominously and little waves slapped against the shore. A long, slender tentacle slid across the surface of the water, gleaming palely in the dim light. Peeves watched it with interest. He'd never seriously considered the Giant Squid as an option.
'Hello,' he said to the tentacle. 'What's a nice squid like you doing in a lake like this?'
There was an odd hissing sound that might have been squiddish laughter, or might have been the wind skimming across the water.
The tentacle paused, then twined itself delicately round his non-existent ankle with a small caressing motion. It slid up over his calf and locked itself firmly round his thigh, then tugged.
'Ah. I see.'
Then, with a piecing shriek of happiness, he was whisked down into the dark water.
mctabby asked for Poltersmut. Well, this is more like Poltergen, with a gratuitous reference to Snape’s genitals. Sorry, I can't help myself. Anyway, belated Happy Birthday
mctabby!Fascinating noises were coming from the third floor broom cupboard. Students were in there, plainly doing something illicit. Peeves lingered outside, giggling to himself, then yanked open the door with a flourish, expecting them to jump and blush at being so exposed, mid-snog.
Instead they ignored him. It was as if they just hadn't noticed him. He hung there, staring at them open-mouthed. They were utterly wrapped up in each other, so much so that the outside world didn't exist. An uncomfortable, aching sort of feeling gripped him, reminiscent of indigestion but worse. Far worse.
He sighed deeply and drifted away, then, when they showed no signs of stopping, drifted back to watch.
*
'No, I will not,' Snape said.
'I could make your life hell,' Peeves countered, bobbing up and down over a cauldron full of orange goo.
Snape narrowed his eyes. 'Just try it.' He stood up and reached for his wand.
'I love it when you're angry.'
'Leave now, before I insert that cauldron up your-- nostril. You must think I'm desperate.'
'They do say that, but I never believe what I hear in the staff room.'
'Get OUT!'
'But you might enjoy it,' Peeves said, a trifle desperately, floating to the door.
'If you think that I'm letting you anywhere near my genitalia you've another thing coming. Or not, as the case may be,' Snape said with a growl.
*
'It's my libido,’ Peeves admitted. ‘I appear to have developed one again.’
Madame Pomfrey’s eyebrows rose until they seemed to nearly reach her hairline. She was used to dealing with libidos, but they were usually human ones, although once Hagrid had asked her help him with an artificial insemination device for the blast-ended skrewts, who kept accidentally blowing each other up during mating.
‘Oh dear. That does sound awkward. Have you spoken to Professor Snape?’
‘Well, yes, but he turned me down. Between you and me, I think he’s got commitment issues.’
‘I meant, for a potion that might help, you silly creature,’ Poppy said sternly. ‘Although obviously I’m sorry it didn’t work out,’ she added. ‘Can’t you just ignore it? I expect it’ll go away of its own accord with fresh air and exercise.’ She really didn’t know what else to suggest.
Peeves gave her a scathing look and turned upside down in annoyance. ‘Yes, it might, but I can’t breath and I don’t have muscles.’
*
The other supernatural beings were making comments and sniggering amongst themselves. In typical Hogwarts fashion, word had got round fast about Peeves’s problem. He blamed Snape.
'It's all right for you lot,' he snapped at them, eventually. 'You're just chilly ectoplasm. I'm a bundle of psychic energy fuelled solely by teenage angst. How do you think that feels? You don't understand me or my problems!' He stormed out through the door, then went back and slammed it for good measure. 'I hate you all!'
*
'Peeves, I must ask you to cease rubbing yourself through the water pipes. The noises are upsetting Mrs Norris and Filch is having terrible trouble with the drains.' Dumbledore stroked his beard thoughtfully. 'Have you tried taking up a hobby? I had a similar problem as a young man, but nothing was ever quite distracting enough, although I did get rather a nice woolly hat out of it.'
He wandered away down the corridor, musing to himself on the drawbacks of knitting as a method of controlling ones sex drive.
*
Minerva McGonagall opened her door and was faced with a large bunch of red roses and a cat treat.
'Not today, thank you Peeves,' she said, then collapsed into giggles.
The roses and the cat treat dropped to the floor and the candles in the sconces flickered out. McGonagall scooped up the flowers and put them in water. The fishy smelling chew she left on her desk, for later. There was no sense in wasting it, after all.
*
Professor Binns thought it a most intriguing problem and was very keen on pursuing it further.
Peeves spent an unhappy week avoiding him, until Snape, watching Binns's advances with cruel amusement, tapped him on the shoulder and told him that actually, he was dead and technically beyond all hope of achieving an erection.
Binns shut himself in his rooms with a bottle of firewhiskey, until he realised he couldn't drink it. Then he came out and lay on the staff room carpet, weeping and forcing people to walk through him to get to the biscuits, until Filch had to come and remove him.
*
Acting on a tip from Myrtle, who was avoiding him since an incident with a fizzing whizbee and a bath tap, Peeves swept down to the lake in the overflow pipe and hovered about, wondering what to do. The unsettled feelings within him were becoming so distracting that he'd even lost interest in taunting innocent students. It was awful.
The water rippled ominously and little waves slapped against the shore. A long, slender tentacle slid across the surface of the water, gleaming palely in the dim light. Peeves watched it with interest. He'd never seriously considered the Giant Squid as an option.
'Hello,' he said to the tentacle. 'What's a nice squid like you doing in a lake like this?'
There was an odd hissing sound that might have been squiddish laughter, or might have been the wind skimming across the water.
The tentacle paused, then twined itself delicately round his non-existent ankle with a small caressing motion. It slid up over his calf and locked itself firmly round his thigh, then tugged.
'Ah. I see.'
Then, with a piecing shriek of happiness, he was whisked down into the dark water.
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no subject
no subject
Date: 2004-06-05 01:19 am (UTC)Peeves/Squid = OTP!
Date: 2004-06-04 07:47 am (UTC)It's absolutely beautiful. I can't decide which little scene is funniest - Snape, McGonagall, Dumbledore, or Pomfrey - they're all great! Love it.
I’m a bundle of psychic energy fuelled solely by teenage angst. How do you think that feels?
Ahhhh. So canon! *sighs blissfully*
*offers a great deal of chocolate in thanks* You've made my day. :D :D :D
Re: Peeves/Squid = OTP!
Date: 2004-06-05 01:20 am (UTC)Yay, I'm so glad you liked it!
*scoffs chocolate*
no subject
Date: 2004-06-04 08:06 am (UTC)So are you. :)
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Date: 2004-06-05 01:22 am (UTC)I think McGonagall might have been swayed by a few more cat treats and a scratching post!
I'm really pleased you liked it.
no subject
Date: 2004-06-04 08:35 am (UTC)Your grasp of the characters is perfect, and your wry turn of phrase is delightful to read. For some reason I particularly like the image in the last line.
no subject
Date: 2004-06-05 01:26 am (UTC)I wanted to suggest mystery with the last line. Actually, I wanted to suggest discreet poltergeist/squid shagging and to not have to write it!
no subject
Date: 2004-06-04 08:42 am (UTC)This rocks a lot.
Is the orange goo a reference to orange!Snape? Is the cauldron going to explode when Peeves leaves? Am I a big geek?
I had a similar problem as a young man, but nothing was ever quite distracting enough, although I did get rather a nice woolly hat out of it.'
Then he came out and lay on the staff room carpet, weeping and forcing people to walk through him to get to the biscuits
Ahah! Ahahahah.
I'm a bundle of psychic energy fuelled solely by teenage angst. How do you think that feels? You don't understand me or my problems!' He stormed out through the door, then went back and slammed it for good measure. 'I hate you all!'
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
<3
no subject
Date: 2004-06-05 01:39 am (UTC)Is the orange goo a reference to orange!Snape? Is the cauldron going to explode when Peeves leaves? Am I a big geek?
No, (but I'm impressed you thought of it, because it totally didn't occur to me),yes, and maybe? *g*
I'm so glad you liked the teen angst!Peeves scene.
no subject
Date: 2004-06-04 09:25 am (UTC)::sigh:::
If only I were a hundred years older and less...alive....
no subject
Date: 2004-06-05 01:44 am (UTC)Oh, no, I'm glad you're not :D
Snape was particularly cruel to Binns, wasn't he? Poor old Binns, but being dead might give him a new lease of life.
no subject
Date: 2004-06-04 10:23 am (UTC)He wandered away down the corridor, musing to himself on the drawbacks of knitting as a method of controlling ones sex drive.
But it does give you something to do with your hands...
no subject
Date: 2004-06-05 01:45 am (UTC)*cackles* Good point!
no subject
Date: 2004-06-04 03:50 pm (UTC)Then he came out and lay on the staff room carpet, weeping and forcing people to walk through him to get to the biscuits, until Filch had to come and remove him.
Best. Line. Ever. All the details! ^_^ And hilarious. Great work.
no subject
Date: 2004-06-05 01:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-05 07:17 am (UTC)He sighed deeply and drifted away, then, when they showed no signs of stopping, drifted back to watch.
Hahaha. Bad Peeves!
I love the Snape parts, but then again I love the whole lot of it. *goes to read again* :D
no subject
Date: 2004-06-07 07:18 pm (UTC)Oh dear. That does sound awkward. Have you spoken to Professor Snape?’
‘Well, yes, but he turned me down. Between you and me, I think he’s got commitment issues.’
Hee!
And... basically Hee! all the way through. (Poor Professor Binns.)
no subject
Date: 2004-06-08 03:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-08 04:43 am (UTC)Alas, poor teenage-hormone-crazy Peeves. At least he has found squidly love.
(The icon is in honour of Professor Binns, the poor fellow).
no subject
Date: 2004-06-08 10:39 am (UTC)Fic reaction: HEE! Hee hee hee hee. *dies laughing*
~Kimiko (http://www.deadjournal.com/users/slythchick)
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Date: 2004-06-08 03:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-08 03:09 pm (UTC)Isn't the next line, 'Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong'?
I'm not sure if squidly love is really the love a poltergeist needs, but I had to think of a way to end it somehow;-)
no subject
Date: 2004-06-09 02:02 am (UTC)(And Peeves/Squid is fated! Fated, I tells ya!)
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Date: 2009-06-26 10:13 am (UTC)