Rafa's diary - day nine
Sep. 10th, 2009 01:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
louiseluxI'm having some internets connection problems today so I'm at the free wifi cafe. I'll try to catch up with comments soon, but thanks for the feedback so far, it's very much loved. I miss you, internets!
Title: Rafa's Diary - day nine
Pairing: Fedalish
Warnings: worksafe
Rating: G
day one day two day three day four day five day six day seven day eight
Day nine - Tuesday
Match day. It's hard waking up this morning. My stomach aches, a sharp pain when I move. Dream images are jumbled in my head. I shuffled to the bathroom, then shuffled back and dressed, and now I'm on the sofa watching some American talk show with people who shout a lot. Why are they so stupid? They're making me angry! Football replays are more calming.
No one is around because we've arranged to set off late to the stadium, about four. Maymo has gone to do some shopping, Toni is having brunch with Fernando's dad. It's peaceful, which is unusual.
If my stomach wasn't wound up already in a knot of nerves about tonight, I would be enjoying the quiet.
Oh, Toni left muffins. Great!
***
It's much later. In fact, it's the next day, in the early morning! I am in bed writing this, feeling partly like a kid staying up too late and partly like I am this ancient wrinkled husk. So tired! It is nearly four am-- tour organisers can sometimes make one feel like a performing dog. But that doesn't matter! Winning tonight was like flying up to the moon. I didn't let myself think Gael was too strong and in the end he wasn't. If you think something you can make it true. I believe this. Toni would say: 'If you work hard enough, what you want is more likely to happen.' Then he would add: 'But no guarantees. And now work harder.'
Everyone saw the man who rushed out to grab me. The organisers were in knots asking if I was fine and not hurt. I don't know what they thought he'd do—bite me? I wanted to talk about the match with everyone but they only wanted to ask me about 'the hug monster' as Maymo kept calling him. He only did it through happiness for me, not for anything bad or weird. Carlos told me afterwards that I looked like I wanted more hugs.
Well, it was a funny moment.
The things Toni said to me keep rattling about my brain. He's good at doing that to me. It felt good to win tonight. It's easier to stay positive when you're winning. I don't know if I would deal so well if I had lost before now, or even in the early stages. I wonder what it was like for Roger last year when everyone jumped in to write him off? It's never the kind of thing I can ask him. We are far too close—odd to say, even though we barely see each other. Playing a person on such a high level is intimate in a way no one else can understand, not even Toni. I know his habits, personality, what those certain looks and movements mean – like he knows the same stuff about me.
I just wrote a bad poem. I should probably tear it up, but instead I put it in the lion. I tell myself it's for luck.
Title: Rafa's Diary - day nine
Pairing: Fedalish
Warnings: worksafe
Rating: G
day one day two day three day four day five day six day seven day eight
Day nine - Tuesday
Match day. It's hard waking up this morning. My stomach aches, a sharp pain when I move. Dream images are jumbled in my head. I shuffled to the bathroom, then shuffled back and dressed, and now I'm on the sofa watching some American talk show with people who shout a lot. Why are they so stupid? They're making me angry! Football replays are more calming.
No one is around because we've arranged to set off late to the stadium, about four. Maymo has gone to do some shopping, Toni is having brunch with Fernando's dad. It's peaceful, which is unusual.
If my stomach wasn't wound up already in a knot of nerves about tonight, I would be enjoying the quiet.
Oh, Toni left muffins. Great!
***
It's much later. In fact, it's the next day, in the early morning! I am in bed writing this, feeling partly like a kid staying up too late and partly like I am this ancient wrinkled husk. So tired! It is nearly four am-- tour organisers can sometimes make one feel like a performing dog. But that doesn't matter! Winning tonight was like flying up to the moon. I didn't let myself think Gael was too strong and in the end he wasn't. If you think something you can make it true. I believe this. Toni would say: 'If you work hard enough, what you want is more likely to happen.' Then he would add: 'But no guarantees. And now work harder.'
Everyone saw the man who rushed out to grab me. The organisers were in knots asking if I was fine and not hurt. I don't know what they thought he'd do—bite me? I wanted to talk about the match with everyone but they only wanted to ask me about 'the hug monster' as Maymo kept calling him. He only did it through happiness for me, not for anything bad or weird. Carlos told me afterwards that I looked like I wanted more hugs.
Well, it was a funny moment.
The things Toni said to me keep rattling about my brain. He's good at doing that to me. It felt good to win tonight. It's easier to stay positive when you're winning. I don't know if I would deal so well if I had lost before now, or even in the early stages. I wonder what it was like for Roger last year when everyone jumped in to write him off? It's never the kind of thing I can ask him. We are far too close—odd to say, even though we barely see each other. Playing a person on such a high level is intimate in a way no one else can understand, not even Toni. I know his habits, personality, what those certain looks and movements mean – like he knows the same stuff about me.
I just wrote a bad poem. I should probably tear it up, but instead I put it in the lion. I tell myself it's for luck.
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Date: 2009-09-11 01:58 am (UTC)(((((Rafa)))))